When I Was Fifteen

Chapter 27- What My Life Has Come To

The rest of Friday and all of Saturday was spent in tears. I couldn't stop thinking about James. I had been looking through his Instagram pictures and he had deleted every picture of us. Saturday night he had posted a picture with some of his friends, and said Who needs a girl when you have the guys?

What had I done?

I had ruined everything. We could have dated till the end of the year, got through the rest of my high school years and his college years. Once I was done with college, we could have gotten married. We could of had kids and told them hundreds of times the story of our love.

I had taken away any hope of that every happening. Now, I was lucky if I saw him in the hallway. He never looked at me though. He always just looked down or looked to the other side.

I really had messed everything up.

Now, it's Sunday. I got up around noon because  my mom was picking me up around two for a late lunch. I actually took a shower and washed my hair. I brushed my teeth, I put on a pair of jeans and a lace t-shirt with a white camisole underneath. I looked the best I had all week. When I was done, it was exactly two.

Madre- here!

I put on my black converse and head out the door. My mom smiles as she sees me. As I hop in the car, her smile gets even bigger.

"Your father said that you looked like a mess and not to be offended if you smelled bad," she states as she begins to drive once I'm buckled in.

"I looked nice just for you," I mutter.

"That makes me so happy, dear, I'm so sorry you've felt so awful," mom replies and I smile a little.

"It's fine, it's my fault," I mumble, and I hear my mom sigh as I look out the window.

"Honey, don't you ever blame anything on yourself when you thought you were doing the right thing, and I still think you did the right thing. It's his fault he doesn't realize that you two can still be friends. He hurt you and you need to stay away from him. If he comes crawling back, stay strong, okay?" My mom states, and I grab her hand as I begin to let out my tears.

~~~~~~

Thank God my makeup is waterproof because I would have looked like a hot mess otherwise. Once we got to Jared's Pizza Palace, I seem to calm down. We walk in and guess who I see right away.

James.

I start having trouble breathing and I run to the bathroom. I head straight to a stall and just let all my tears out. As I'm hyperventilating and feeling like I'm having a mental break down, someone walks in.

"Honey?" My mom says and I begin to calm down.

"He's here," I cry out and take deep breaths.

"That wasn't him. I checked. I thought it was too but it's not," she replies as she begins to rub my back.

"Can we just get something to go? Please?" I ask in a soft voice.

"Yes, of course, but only if you promise you'll eat it with me," she answers and smiles.

"I promise," I state and she kisses my forehead, then leaves the bathroom. I look in the mirror and start noticing little things about myself. My eyebrows have grown a lot thicker and there's a ton of little hair scattered everywhere. I have a lot of zits on my face and blackheads on my nose. My hair is frizzy and looks darker. I just want to be the same girl again. The same, above happy girl who just loved life and people. I want that so bad, but I feel like it'll never happen again.

~~~~~~~~~~

My mom had ordered a cheese pizza to go. Once it was ordered, she came back in and gave me the keys to her car. I went outside, hopped in the car, and started it up. About ten minutes later, she came outside and to the car. We drove away and headed to her house.

I had never been to her new house. In a way, I was kind of anxious about it. What if Lindsay was there? What if Lindsay's friends were there?

I take a deep breath and my mom grabs my hand.

"Give it some time, honey," she says and I look out the window. I look out at the fields. The fields that are all boring and only growing wheat. They don't have much to them than that. Of course we need wheat, but it's so boring.

Wow, is this really what my life has come to? Only thinking about wheat?

The rest of the way there, I just listen to the country music on the radio and focus on learning the words in my head. I don't know why, but this always distracts me from whatever is bugging me.

~~~~~~~~

Once we get to my mom's house, I realize no one is home, thankfully, Her and I sit inside in their little dining room and start eating. I just look down at my food the whole time and finally my mom says something.

"I want you to write," she states, and I look up.

"What? Write about what?" I question as my eyebrows furrow.

"Write about how you feel right now, like write a poem about your feelings. My aunt always told me that whenever I felt very strongly about something whether it be happy, nervous, or sad , to write a poem. I'd write a poem and then later I could go through them and see how I felt about myself whenever I felt a certain way. I don't know why, but I always felt relieved after writing one," my mom explains and I think about it.

A poem,

how interesting.

"Maybe," I mumble as I continue to eat my pizza.

My mom has never talked about writing or poetry before and I kind of wanted to try it. So a couple hours later when I got home, I did.

The first day I saw you
I knew it was my cue
To walk over and say hi
But now I'm saying bye
Because our pieces don't fit
And I can't handle it