Only Fools...

'How the hell did I end up here!?' - Chapter Thirty Six

Crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. How the hell did I end up here!?

The hospital reeked of death; it's safe to say this didn't give me the utmost comfort as I walked down the white halls to her room. Guilt overpowered me. I could try to blame Danny. Blame Danny for getting us into this mad situation, but she wouldn't care. She loved him. Me on the other hand she could get rid of with a blink of an eye. It's not like we see each other much anymore anyway, it wouldn't be hard for her to adjust to.

She trusted me. She trusted me more than anyone else in the whole world. I trusted her too; I told her all my secrets. Apart from one.

She'd have told me right from the start; wouldn't have even crossed her mind not to. Me on the other hand? I'm the disgusting bitch who never said a thing and tried to deal with it myself, behind her back.

I'm going to kill Danny. I'm serious, I'm going to physically murder him as soon as I see him. It was his fault all of this, his fault.

Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that Jess; keep telling yourself that you couldn't help it, that he compelled you or whatever – you know you're never going to believe it.

I'm walking faster now, my feet pulling me towards her. I need to find her. I need to tell her that I'm sorry; that I don't know what's going to happen in this hospital but that from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry. But am I though? If I could go back now would I change it? I'd change one thing for sure – I'd have told her, straight from the beginning.

And there he is; standing in a crowded hospital room – looking like he's just dropped out of heaven even with that worried look on his face. He's seen me, I can tell by the broad smile dancing across his face, and suddenly everything's better.

'Danny', I murmur as I wrap my arms around him.

He hugs me back tight, but it seems like more of a force of habit than an actual loving gesture. 'How is she? Is she doing okay?' He asks as he draws himself away from me.

'I'm not sure they won't let me see her yet. Danny, I'm so scared. It was my fault if we hadn't – ' I paused. 'This never should have happened.'

'No it shouldn't.' But as he spoke I wasn't hearing the apologetic tone in his voice that I was expecting. I thought we'd both be feeling so sorry for what had happened that we could share in it together. But he didn't sound sorry at all he sounded, angry.

'Why do you say it like that? Do you blame me?'

'Are you kidding me?' His voice was raised and his jaw clenched. Okay he was definitely angry now. 'She wouldn't be in hospital if it wasn't for you.'

'What?' I was astounded. 'But it was both of us, it takes two people to cheat. I can't believe your blaming me for this.'

'It takes two people to cheat does it? Well you would know. I guess it took both you and Matthew to cheat on me didn't it.' Is this what he's mad about?

'He kissed me Danny, I didn't want it. I love you, I don't want Matthew.'

'Really? Then why do you seem intent to destroy our relationship?'

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, for the umpteenth time today. 'I'm not trying to destroy it. What do you mean?'

'Did you really have to tell Amy about us? We'd agreed never to tell her, she never should have known.'