Only Fools...

'A year and a half later' - Epilogue

A year and a half later.

Today's the day. The day I finish with sixth form forever.

It didn't feel like two years since I'd started at St Peters. So much had happened. So many good things. So many not so good things.

I woke up alone. I missed sharing a room with Rachel like I did in first term of year twelve. But we still saw each other every single day. She really was the best friend I'd ever had. I'd never met anyone who had liked me unconditionally, apart from my parents. No matter what I did she was still always there, that was true friendship I guess.

I checked my phone. No texts yet but I guess it was still early. Slowly I began to get ready, brushing my teeth, washing my face. I looked tired. I guess the stress of exams had really gotten to me. My last exam was a few days ago and I hadn't done much since then, mainly just chilled out with friends. Today would be nice though. Whenever the year thirteens leave it's always a big deal. They do this massive thing where all the student's family and friends can get to come. I remember last year when Matthew's year left and it was super nice actually. His parents and brothers came and got to see him graduate; it made me so excited for today, just thinking about it.

I won't deny I was nervous though. After today all that was ahead of me was the rest of my life. I didn't really have any solid plans for after I left. My plan was to take a gap year and then see what I wanted to do after that. My results should be good enough that I would get into university but I wasn't 100% certain that it was exactly what I wanted yet.

After I got dressed I went and knocked on Rachel's door. As she opened it, smiling, I felt sadness wash over me as I realised that my days of seeing her as soon as I woke up were over. 'How're you feeling?' She asked me as I walked over to sit on her bed.

'Sad,' I said honestly. 'But I'm excited for today though. I don't know, it's so bittersweet.'

'Oh my Gosh I feel the same way. It's sad to leave, but it's nice to have such a good send off.'

'Exactly,' I agreed. 'Is your speech ready?'

'I think so. I don't think I'll ever get used to doing all the speeches in front of people though.'

'Rubbish. You're amazing at speeches Rach. They wouldn't have made you head girl if you weren't.' I had a sudden flashback to me fluffing up my words whilst congratulating Matthew on his speech-making skills.

'I guess,' she laughed. 'I'll still be glad when it's done.'

'You'll smash it,' I said. And I meant it.

'Hopefully. Is your song ready?' She asked.

'Hopefully.'

'You'll do great.' She said. And I could tell that she really did mean it.

*

I stood up to sing the song I'd been practicing all week. I wondered over to the stage, guitar in my right hand. I looked out into the audience and began to sing. I'd spent ages trying to work out which song was the right one to sing for the occasion. In the end I settled on Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson. I guess that's what we all wanted to do as we finished high school. Spread our wings and fly away from all the problems that we encountered here – get on with the rest of my life.

As I looked out into the crowd I saw all the people who had made my years at St Peter's so special. First I locked eyes with my parents. My Dad smiled a wide smile at me, his hand resting on my mother's leg. She looked well, I couldn't remember a time in recent history when I'd seen her looking better. Since she went into remission a few months ago her strength had grown so much. I was so proud of her.

My eyes then wandered over to my best friend. Her and Jack were sitting in the front row. I guess he had some rank to pull from being the Head Girl's boyfriend. They looked so happy. I could only hope that one day I'd be as happy as that.

I saw him next. My boyfriend. He looked so happy, so proud of me. I guess he remembered his own last day and knew what was waiting ahead of me as I left school. I smiled back at him. He mouthed three words to me. Three little words that he'd said a thousand times but I'd never been able to reciprocate honestly. I love you. I looked back into Matthew's chestnut eyes. I'm not sure if I ever would love him. Not in the same way that I'd felt before.

I searched through the crowd to find the one face I really wanted to see. The one face I wanted to be looking up at me. The one person I really wanted to mouth those three little words to me. Danny looked heavenly. He smiled at me. Not a full smile though, just a small, knowing smile. I think deep down he knows that I never stopped loving him. He knows that I only started going out with Matthew because I have a selfish, unstoppable desire for company. I couldn't be alone without him forever. But he was right, I needed to put the needs of other people first. For once in my life. We barely spoke anymore. I had dropped Maths at the end of Year Twelve so I had no real reason to see him. Sure, I'd bumped into him a few times. We'd shared general niceties, as I fought the urge to pour out my heart to him. He texted me a few months ago when my mum started getting better. He said he was glad. It was something I guess. It's hard, so hard, to have the person I love in touching distance but not being able to talk to them like I wanted to.

But it's my own stupid fault. It's my own fault for falling in love with him in the first place. Love is the best and worst thing that I've ever experienced; nothing has ever hurt me more. It hurts me loving someone I can't have. And it hurts me having someone else love me and knowing that no matter how hard I try, I will never love them in the same way.

But I guess it's true what they say. Only fools fall in love.

THE END