What doesn't kill you, makes you wish you were dead. What doesn't destroy you, leaves you broken instead.
***
| Bailey |
"Alright, ready?" Mom asks as I slowly make my way down the stairs. I nod my head, trying to ignore the ache that's back in my side. I'm hoping that we'll get good news out of these scans; I don't want to have to tell Ashton anything else that's bad. It has to be good, right?
I follow mom out to the car, but something seems off. She's nervous and shaking and seems extremely stressed and on edge. Ash seems to pick up on it too as he gently but securely hugs me goodbye.
"Don't worry, she's just being a typical worried mother," Ashton assures, ruffling my nearly bald head affectionately. I don't know why I haven't shaved it all off yet, I guess I just haven't had to courage to do so. I make a mental note to ask Xander and Melia to come over sometime soon and help me do it, along with Ashton. He always has a way of making me feel safe, no matter how annoying he is.
"I'll probably go over to one of the guys' houses, so make sure you call me as soon as you find out the news, okay?" Ashton says from the window. I nod my head as mom backs out of the driveway and I watch Ashton's figure get smaller and smaller, until he's no longer able to be seen. I turn around in my seat and bounce my leg nervously, praying the news from my scans will be good.
I'm still lost in thought as I follow mom into the hospital and up to our usual floor where Dr. Phelps' office is. Once we're signed in and waiting in the waiting area, I decide to check my phone and see that all the guys, Arden, Melia and Xander have all texted me good luck and telling me they're thinking of me. I smile and quickly reply back to all of them with a thank you, just as we're called back into Dr. Phelps' office.
"Good morning ladies," my doctor greets as she comes in holding a piece of paper resembling an X-ray. I watch the way the states at the paper in her hand solemnly; something about this entire situation is off, I can feel it. Dr. Phelps' usually happy persona isn't as upbeat as usual, it's almost like she's faking her normally chipper attitude.
"Alright, we have a few things to discuss," Dr. Phelps begins, not taking her eyes off the foreign piece of paper. "Bailey, unfortunately we've found something concerning in your scans," Dr. Phelps continues, putting the clear piece of paper up on a lighted machine on the wall. She turns the lights on to show the scan of my body and a little lit up area makes my heart drop.
"You now have what are known as Mucinous Cystic Neoplasms on your pancreas and in your lymph-nodes. They're filled with thick fluid and can become more invasive over time, so we're going to have to strengthen your treatment in order to knock this out."
I bite down on my lip harshly, trying to will my tears away as my mother already begins to sob. Is that what's causing the ache in my side? Why is this happening? The chemo was supposed fix this, it was supposed to help me. Now there's more?
"So now what?" I whisper, refusing to make eye contact with either woman in the room.
"We'll have to admit you to the hospital as soon as possible. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, this is going to be even tougher than your previous treatment. We need to be as aggressive as possible in order to beat this."
I nod my head, keeping my teary eyes cast on the floor. "When will I have to come back and start my new treatment?" I whisper again, my voice wavering.
"We shouldn't waste any time. I'll give you a bit of time, but when you come back on Wednesday, you'll have to be admitted," Dr. Phelps explains. "The duration of your stay is unknown at the moment, but this treatment is going to be even worse than before, so you'll most likely have to stay here indefinitely." I nod again as she continues to explain things to my mother, who's managed to stop crying, but I tune it out, not wanting to hear anymore.
There's something about death that suddenly doesn't seem scary. Am I ready to die? No way. At least, I don't think I feel ready. But the idea of it doesn't frighten me anymore. I wonder if the time will come when I actually want to die, instead of suffering thought this. I really hope that day never comes, because even though I'm already so tired from fighting, I can't give up yet. I don't want to leave my family and friends. I want to live a long, happy and healthy life without having to worry.
The car ride home is eerily silent. Neither of us dares to speak for fear we'll start crying. I don't want to cry, and I don't want be upset or angry, but I am. I just don't understand why this had to happen to me. I've already learned that bad things happen to good people, but why? Because it's life. Life isn't fair, and I definitely know that now.
I find myself relieved when we come home to an empty house. I follow mom into the kitchen, where she breaks down again.
"This isn't fair," she cries, falling to her knees. I lead her gently to the living room and set myself in her lap.
"I know," I whisper, my voice cracking. I still don't want to cry, so I just sit in my mother's lap until I can't bear it anymore. I quickly rush up to my room and throw a glass bowl on my desk, causing it to shatter on the ground. I scream into my pillow and fall to my knees, as sob after sob wracks my body. It's weird how I'm not afraid, yet I still am. I know that dying will be peaceful, and I won't be in anymore pain, but I don't want to leave mom or Ashton or Xander or Melia or the boys or Arden. I have so many people who love me, and I love them indescribably. I love them so much it hurts, it's going to kill me to have to tell them this news.
Oh my god. Ashton.
I sob even harder when I feel my mother wrap her arms around me then, and we sit and cry together.
"H-how am I going to tell Ashton?" I sob, leaning into my mother's embrace. She hugs me so tightly I would normally be afraid I'd suffocate, but today I grip her just as tightly, feeling as if I'm falling and I can't stop. So I just cry and cry and cry and hold onto my mother, dreading the moment I'll finally have to let go.
A/N - woo, updating this story along with my new one I just started earlier today both today because I have absolutely no life! If you're interested, go check out Eternal Sunshine, my new Luke Hemmings book:)
alright, this chapter actually killed me while I was writing it. But don't worry, you know it's gonna get better;) or will it? Keep reading to find out, xoxo - Em:)
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Unbroken | Ashton Irwin's Little Sister (COMPLETED)
Fanfiction[COMPLETED] "I'm not going to let this define me, and I'm certainly not going to let it destroy me." In which Ashton's sister is hiding a secret that will change both of their lives.
