Hold onto the lullaby even when the music's gone
***
| Bailey |
Things are not getting better. If anything, I'm only getting worse. I had tried to prepare myself for this, because I know that I have to hit rock bottom before I can get better. But lately I've been wondering; am I even getting better? It certainly doesn't feel like I am.
Because literally all I can do now is sleep and eat, I've had a lot of time to think. I think about being sick quite often. Is going through this even worth it? What if I die anyway? If death is imminent and unpreventable, then I'd rather not be having toxic chemicals pumped into my body until the day comes. If I'm going to die, I want to be able to be normal for a while. I want to be able to go home and spend time with Ashton and the boys and Xander and Melia.
Which brings me into the other things I've been thinking about; them.
How will everyone react to my death? Obviously it'll crush them, but how much? How seriously will Ashton be affected? We've been so close for as long as anyone can remember. I don't want him to be alone. He'll have the boys, and mom and Arden, and even Xander. But will my death break him? Will my death break Xander or Melia, or even any of the other boys?
Ever since I found out the cancer has spread, I've been wanting to tell everyone what I think about, and what I want them to do (or not do) when I die. But I can't bring myself to do that, because then it would mean I've given up. I don't think I'm there yet, but unfortunately, I can feel myself getting physically and emotionally drained more and more each day. I'm terrified that the day will actually come when I just don't want to be here anymore, and that I'll actually want to die instead of suffering.
I roll over and sigh, tired of thinking, tired of feeling, just all around tired. I take in a shaky breath (I'm slowly starting to develop breathing problems) and yawn, laying down and letting the heaviness over my eyes pull me into sleep.
***
I wake up to hushed voices. Being half asleep still, I keep my eyes closed, recognizing my brother's voice as he whispers.
"I feel like I'm saying the same damn things over and over, but I can literally see her deteriorating right in front of me," Ashton says, sadness and a hint of anger in his voice.
"I know mate. It majorly fucking sucks. There's no other way to put it," Cal whispers back.
I'm vaguely aware of the pain coursing through my body as I breathe, continuing to listen to the boys' conversation.
"I don't think I've ever hated a hospital as much as I do right now in my entire life," Ashton sighs. I can hear how tired he is. We're all tired. So, so tired.
I let out a squeaky cough that rattles my body and burns my throat as I try to suck in a deep breath. Instead, it only brings pain, which makes it even harder to breathe. I quickly sit up, much to my body's protests, and struggle to take in enough air while also fighting the fiery pain igniting in my chest. Ashton and Cal are on their feet and by my side in a nanosecond; Ashton pressing the nurse's call button while Cal tries to soothe me.
A team of nurses rushes in and I can faintly head Ashton say, "She can't breathe!"
Ashton and Cal are pushed out of the way and ushered out of the room as I feel the stick of a needle. Slowly but surely, the weight that seemed to have settled on my chest and shoulders begins to lift, and my breathing begins to go back to normal. I let out another strangled cough that burns and scratches my throat, able to take in deeper breaths now and satisfy my body's request. The nurses leave and Zoey remains to check my vitals, breathing, and heart rate. I notice Dr. Phelps is also here; I didn't see her come in, but she dismisses Zoey and reconfirms the things Zoey just tested before scribbling something down on her clipboard, pressing a few buttons on the monitors, and then allowing Ash and Cal back inside.
"Are you okay?" Ashton asks immediately as her reenters the room.
No, I'm not okay. None of this is okay.
Instead of voicing my thoughts, I just nod tiredly and hum an "mhm."
"Still tired?" Ashton whispers.
More than you'll ever know.
I nod again, and Ashton's lips tug into a slight frown before curving up into a sad smile.
"Go back to sleep then."
"Stay with me?" My voice is barely above a whisper, sounds like I've smoked a pack a day for fifty years, and it hurts like hell, but Ashton thankfully still understood. He nods his head eagerly, and climbs into the bed next to me.
"Always."
He wraps his arms protectively around me and I snuggle into him, hoping that my rapidly decreasing weight doesn't render me too bony to snuggle with. Ash hums lightly as my eyes begin to feel heavy yet again.
Just before I fall asleep, I hear him mumble, "I stand corrected. Now I hate hospitals even more than humanly possible."
***
A/N - I actually had a hard time writing this chapter because I wasn't sure what to put in it, but I managed to figure it out:-)
Thoughts or predictions on what's to come? There's only a few more chapters left! *cries*
I hope you all have a wonderful day. Ily lots. Stay fabulous friends :) xoxo - Em
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Unbroken | Ashton Irwin's Little Sister (COMPLETED)
同人小說[COMPLETED] "I'm not going to let this define me, and I'm certainly not going to let it destroy me." In which Ashton's sister is hiding a secret that will change both of their lives.
