Letters to Harry

Away.

22 June 2017 /3AM

Dear Harry,
It's been a while since I wrote you these letters.

I thought what I had with you, these feelings, wasn't real. But it was.

I knew that I could always count on you.

Pause.

I thought I'd be okay with him. Moving on with life as I planned my life forward.

Like marrying him or having kids with him.

But I was wrong.

I realized, since the first start of our relationship, he didn't treat me right.

I mean, it was our first date, at my house and he'd just kissed me and grabbing my boobs.

I thought that was okay, but then thinking about it now - that was the start of everything that went wrong in my life.

I mean, relationship wise.

12 years we've been together, it has ups and downs.

The ups are really great, but the downs,was something that could make me feel that I was worthless and not loved by him.

I mean, I even asked him for a hug when he knew that I was so tired that day.

His phone fell off and it broke the screen then instead of hugging me or asking me if I was okay with my health, he'd just pay attention to his cracked phone, blamed me for doing it, and walk away.

How can I trust him?

He promised me to buy me some mango ice cream and yet because he blamed me for choosing the expensive thai restaurant that he'd like because he had enough with eating cheap japanese food - he said he didn't have the money to buy me just some cheap £2 of Large Manggo Ice Cream.

The problem was money and stingy.

I helped him a lot during his tough times with money, with my savings. When his mother died, my parents even pay for the funerals and all that jazz.

Yet I still don't understand why he wasn't there for me when my grandma died like he promised?

I mean he was there, but I had to make him ?

Instead of he just volunteering him self and tell me Or just be there for me without I have to fight for it or having a fight with him - begging him to come to my grandmas funeral.

Today. I realized that after all these times, he wasn't the right guy for me.

I feel like if God had a big giant saw, I'd hope for cutting ties with him but I could never had the courage to be with my self without having him on my side.

I mean, I don't want to be alone.

There are times when I think he's nice or the nicest boyfriend I'd know and that I was lucky to have him.

But the cycle continues from fine to super fine to he broke his promise and to fight then to reconcile and then we start all over again.

It's like a vicious cycle.

And when that cycle comes - the bad cycle - I could never think of anything else other than you.

I don't know Harry, but somehow you would make me feel better. For some reason I'd know that one day in our future we will meet again and that you'd be my husband.

Or my husband is like you. Kind, handsome, generous, loyal, talented, and have a fear of God.

Maybe the last one you don't really but I'd never know. Right ?

There are times when he was angry and rude to me he just make things worse instead of making things better.

He hurted me again and again.

Its like I was tired of giving to him or being nice to him because I was hurt by him all the time.

I felt that my well is dry from its source because he kept taking and asking for it without giving it back to me.

I mean what kind of man that wasnt aware that his girl needed his love and care ?

I need a husband that took care and just genuinely love me as a person without take things for granted.

A man who treat his woman right.

I see you like that Harry. I don't know if thats true.

But if it's not, i don't care about it anyway

Because I love you.

Not as fans but

as a person.