Letters to Harry

Book II - Chapter 1: After A While

18th July 2018 

Dear Harry, 

It's been a while, since I last wrote my letters to you. I did try to bring the letters down to your show in Singapore, but didn't quite get the chance to give it to you because you've been hiding from your fans and gone completely MIA. 

You were there on stage, I think I saw you standing on stage for a while like, reading my signs  you saw my sign,  and gave a thumbs up, just like you did in one of my dreams where you were playing the piano and gave me a thumbs up / signs of approval. 

Unfortunately,  I wasn't really sure if you're appointed that to me because I was in the VIP section where it was quite far from the stage but you can still see me, I'm the only one with the flower crowns. 

 I went to B Stage, I was literary next to your security guard, I could give my book Letters to Harry, to your security guard when he saw me and gave me a look. But you just passed me by and didn't even see me. I was right there, so close to you. 

And then when you sang, Kiwi - as the last song, I knew right away that I have to go to the loading dock in order to see you but I was too late. I saw your black van driving by so fast. 

And my trip and upgrade to the VIP section to see your concert was a complete waste of money. I even tried to stalk you to the hotel you lived in, paying for really high prices hotel, hired a taxi driver to follow the vans (sorry!) - but it was just my attempt to give my book  to you and to meet you. 

If I can turn back the time, in how I managed the money to see you, I would probably stopped chasing you to the hotel you stayed in and just literary enjoying your concerts from Singapore, Hongkong, Bangkok, and Japan.. I could've use the money to go on tour just to see your concert, but I didn't do that, instead I waste it all on you in Singapore. I even cancelled my plan to see Niall Live in Singapore the next month because I waste all on my plan to meet you in Singapore. 

You were also sick that day, closed your eyes a lot, and didn't really engage with your fans past the general admission sections. I know, you tried your best. But the experience that I got from seeing you live and seeing you on the Instagram video clips were different. You were so much fun from those Insta videos that your fans recorded compare to seeing you live. 

So, to avoid disappointments, I was thinking maybe because you knew that I'm there, as your soulmate, you perform casually with your YSL Gold Shirts and feel comfortable just like home. 

It has been the past now. That was in 3-5th May 2018. I ended up walking down the memory lane in Singapore. Tracing back my old college days and rekindling with my self - so at least, I thank you for that. 

Since then, even though you're appearing here and there, signing to me that you are my soulmate, somehow I choose not to care about it anymore and daring my self to face my reality and facts. 

I also heard the screaming voices in my head that saying 'I'm not your Soulmate' anymore. It was quite hard to let it go. Because you were hope to me and when I choose to not care about it, you stated that voice. 

Harry, my depression is back. It gets darker after the 'I'm not your soulmate' voice thing. It is painful. I don't know why. I felt like I lose my sense of purpose in life. I begin to think about suicide / killing my self because I just easily giving up in life. 

To think about Money, how to manage them, how to be good with the money and spend them wisely- to think about discipline - to think about lacking of my mum's affections and care and loving - and how I have to survive all of those things - 

To think about how my family somehow didn't get what I mean and how beautiful my brain is - 

To think that my boss is losing trust in me and eventually people around me will suddenly disappear because of my 'selfish' ness - for example - or people would eventually hated me and lose their interest to me 

Really start to sinked in.. 

I'm trying to watch those motivational video about not trying to kill my self - but I always have the thought of - well, I just give up. 

I seriously wanted to give up. Like I have enough of struggling, all my life. Crying on those bathroom floors at my school, playing and talking to my self during lunch or snack time hour, thinking that everybody out there hated me - and the only person that stuck with me was my boyfriend. 

He was nice - but after 13 years of being with him, I sense that he doesn't know what he wants on this relationship, doesn't have respects with me, and every time I asked him about 'Does He love Me?' He said yes because it's a default thing to say. Like I don't feel any genuine / originals in there and he doesn't even celebrate our anniversary - or even trying to remember it. I guess I'm not his priority - but I'm struggling to let him go, because he's the only constant friend that I have and had stuck by me for years, even though he's one of the reason that causes the manic depression. 

it's funny right? I'm still trying to face life as it goes - and right now, when people said 'That's life, real life' .. I found my self that I am still in denial, because it wasn't real for me. 

I live through my imaginations, so that I can survive. 

H, it's good to finally write all of these things again. You've been one constant friend to, in terms of being my imaginary creative soulmate. 

Congrats on completing your world tour! Proud of you x 

Thanks for being there for me, H. 

Maybe even though we're not soulmates anymore, I do hope we can still be friends. :) 

Love you x