Rockstar Serenade: The Verse

Chapter 36: You Are Beautiful, You Are Young

KAILEY~

You’d normally want to punch your best friend in the face for being so shocked at the fact that a punk, rebellious-labelled kid owns a wardrobe of black clothes. I think that Brynn forgot that I was once called emo bitch and such, and I think she may have overlooked my collection of black eyeliners and dark-colored denims. But instead of looking over my shoulder and give her a disbelieving look, I only shrug my shoulders.

“So you also have these black dresses in this corner over here...”

“Yes. Most of them are from Terra.” I pause, taking in a deep breath, preventing memories to slip inside my head again. Brynn must have felt me stiffen up at the mere mention of Terra’s name. She lays a hand over my shoulder and gives it a gentle rub.

“I think I have one that will fit your style,” I continue, trying to entertain myself with other thoughts. I hold my most casual dress up against the light. “Here, less punk, and there’s a little bow at the waistline.”

“Thank you,” she says, then takes the dress from me. “Terra never really knew me personally and you ask me to come with you.”

“A lot of people she doesn’t know will be there.” I take another black dress and lay it over me for Brynn to see.

“That would look good with your hair up in a bun,” she suggests.

“You do my hair for me then.”

“Okay. And, little to no eyeliner please.”

“Why?”

“Oh you know,” she says, closing my cabinet for me and picking up the shoes I borrowed from Cyrille. “If you cry cry when you say your last bye bye you don’t want those little black waterfalls on your cheeks, now don’t you?”

“I’m not going to cry.”

Lie. Of course it’s a damn lie. Of course Brynn knows that I’m lying. I don’t see the point of lying to myself, yet I still do! I mean look at me! Look at this damn girl in the mirror in front of me! I could never get a pleasant, healthy picture of her! Months ago, I saw her almost naked, with all the scars on her thighs she’s been concealing with her pants, the face she’s trying to hide with her hair, and her eyes outlined with makeup. Now what I see is the same girl, slightly different yet still in a pitiful state. She’s got those dark rings under her eyes, complemented by those bloodshot eyes, and obviously hadn’t eaten or slept well these past few days. She’s suffering and she doesn’t know what to do about it.

“Let us get you away from here before you break that mirror, shall we?”

Brynn leads me away from my dresser and takes me to my bed. I’m thankful that Brynn knows what to do. Any minute more and I’d probably be scattering shards of mirror in my room. Then I’d probably inflict wounds on myself again. And Terra told me that she doesn’t want me doing that—though she was likely to do such a thing too.

Brynn makes me sit on my bed, but I slump into the comfort of my pillows to cover my face, hoping that such an act would make me disappear from the world. But I know it’s futile, I’m helpless, I’m at a loss, I haven’t been to school in days, and now I’m just a wreck with cluttered thoughts trying to gain comfort from cushions.

I try not to think of her. The simplest reminders of her, like a glimpse of the hue of her eyes, is enough to make me choke out of longing. I want Terra here with me more than anything else.

“Man, aren’t we looking pathetically ugly.”

Of course I appreciate Brynn being here with me, but nothing compares to how complete I am with Terra around. I realize only now how much Terra has changed my life. Yet I was barely there for her when she was in distress. The doctors say that beside from the very unhealthy lifestyle, stress largely contributed to the complications and failure of her vitals. Instead of being there for Terra, I was trying push myself in Trevor’s life. While Jane’s ignoring him, I was desperate for his attention. I forgot the more important people in my life. And that hurt most of all. Being unable to not blame yourself hurts like hell.