Daughter of a Dixon ✔️

102: Embrace The Suck

The ride to the Hilltop was one of pure silence. The three of us were suffocating in sorrow, the air seeming too thick for us to even get a solid breath. The veil of an awful event was hanging over us, casting a dark shadow on all our lives.

It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done to walk through Hilltop's gates, to be on the receiving end of the onslaught of pitiful glares from all the community's members. Maggie, Enid, Rosita, Dad, and a few select others met us at the gate, obviously to make their amends. But, I could see it all in the glints of their eyes, they didn't even have to speak a word. Just by a shine in their eyes and a nod of their head, I knew they were sorry, and that they were there if any of us needed it.

After Maggie and Enid had took me in loving embraces, Dad meandered his way over, head pointed towards the ground and hands clasped tightly in front of him. He wasn't ever the best in these types of situations, ones where I needed comfort more than he did, but he usually found a way to make things seem better than they actually were. That time was no different.

Without word, Dad took me in a gentle embrace, cradling my head in his hand as if I were a lot younger than eighteen. A trembling breath escaped me, and my arms found their way around him as I buried my head in his shoulder.

It wasn't long before we pulled apart, and I sneakily wiped my eyes before Dad could see the tears in them. "You alrigh'?" he questioned quietly, and I had an instant reflex to give him a nod.

Though, I knew I couldn't lie to my dad.

I solemnly shook my head, finding bravery to look up and meet his eyes. "No," I confirmed, plastering a simper onto my face, "but I will be."

Dad seemed pretty proud of what I had said, for the smallest of smiles appeared on his face, and he bobbed his head in a nod. "... What about him?"

It didn't take a genius to figure out who Dad was talking about. His voice had dropped to a low mumble, and his eyes had drifted to the man we were all concerned about. I stole a glance at Rick, who was holding Judith close to him as if she was the only thing keeping him alive, and gave a quiet sigh.

"He's acting okay, but... we know he's not," I said, looking down at the dirt beneath my feet.

Dad's despondent hum was still audible, and I felt him lay a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently. "Imma go talk to him. Ya know, just... make sure...-"

"Yeah," I said, looking up to him and giving him a nod. I knew he wouldn't be able to finish the sentence; even if he denied it, I knew I could see the tears pricking at his eyelashes. He must've known I saw them, because he gave my shoulder one last, strong squeeze before sauntering off after Rick.

The rest of the day passed by painfully slow. For the most part, I just meandered around, helping out with odd jobs and trying to keep my mind occupied. I didn't let it wander to the war, the Saviors, Carl, any of that. I just kept focused on what was going on right in front of me; that was how I stayed standing.

In the later part of the afternoon, I took up a guard post with Lea, considering Maggie, Michonne, Enid, and Rosita had gone out on a mission involving a handwritten note and an alleged, 'key to our future.' I didn't know how much count it was going to be, but, with the knew philosophy I was trying to envelop, I tried to see the brighter side of the odd occurrence.

For a long time, Lea was silent. She didn't say anything to me, probably because she didn't have anything to say, and I didn't mind that. That was the thing with her; the silences were comfortable, and there wasn't any need for spoken amends because we both knew they were already there.

Eventually, though, she broke the silence, and if I was being completely honest, I was a little grateful for that.

"You know, he's proud of you."

It was a statement, not a question, and I even found myself smiling at her words. I looked down slightly at the railing on top of the walls, and gave my head a firm nod. "Yeah, I know that."

Lea chuckled half-heartedly, and shook her head. "Not just him, Sidney. Everyone is. Your dad, Alex, me, Rick... they all are."

I scoffed, looking over at her with a playful expression on my face. "And what makes you think they're not proud of you?"

"They are," she countered immediately, nodding her head. "They're proud of all of us... but, I've always been more a follower than a leader. Throughout this whole thing, I've been following you, and Alex has, too. When everyone says you're gonna be a leader one day, they mean it. Everyone has faith in you, Rick says-..."

"Rick resents me for-.." I took a deep breath, suddenly regretting every saying anything at all. A sigh escaped me, and I spoke in a low voice. "He resents me for what happened, I know he does, I see it in his eyes. It's just the shear fact that..."

I couldn't bring myself to finish that sentence, and Lea must have picked up on that. "He doesn't resent you," she began softly, shaking her head. "You just think he does because you feel guilty that you're still here... it's survivor's guilt, Sidney, that's all it is."

"No, that's not all it is," I said, emotion seeping into my voice. "If I would've gone with him, maybe he'd still be here, may-..."

"Or maybe you'd be gone instead, or maybe you both would be," Lea interrupted, her voice stern, yet understanding. "What happened, happened, and we can't change that. We just have to take it as it is, and try and cope with it... we have to embrace the suck."

An incredulous laugh escaped me without my permission, and soon enough, Lea was laughing quietly, too. She always had a way of making the most awful situations a little more light-hearted, and I was thankful for that right then.

"Here's to embracing the suck," she said, holding her hand out for a fist bump.

Scoffing quietly, I bumped my fist with hers, muttering, "embrace the suck," under my breath.

It is what we had to do, and I was going to be forced to accept that.