billie eilish imagines🧚🏼‍♀️🌈

I can't do this anymore

*this imagine will include self-harm & thoughts of suicide.*

PLEASE do not read if you are sensitive to these topics. You can always come back for the next one.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline : 1-800-273-8255

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"good morning mamas", a raspy voice said.

"hi my love", I said with both of my eyes still closed while I felt the hot morning breath coming from my girlfriend onto my face.

I heard a slight giggle which caused me to flutter one eye open curious what billie was laughing at. I saw her starring at me with a look of awe plastered on her face.

Me feeling conscious, "whatttt", I said blocking my hand in front of my face.

She took my hand and rubbed her thumbs on the back of my palm.

"I don't like when you do that", billie said.

"baby you know I hate when you stare at me", I said trying to lighten the mood up.

"how many times do I have to tell you I'm in love with you? I love every single fucking piece of you baby girl. I don't know why you still feel insecure", she said with a tone of seriousness in her voice. She took a piece of my hair and placed it behind my ear.

I opened both eyes now feeling a little angry she would ask why I'm insecure, like I chose to be.

She thinks you're probably just wanting attention.

She doesn't even love you.

You're just a fuck toy, y/n.

Deep down, I know billie loved me because she's proven it so many times before. But some days I feel like a burden and that she only puts up with me because if she doesn't, she might be the reason of my death.

I guess she noticed I became quiet and followed up by, "listen y/n. I fucking adore you, okay?"

"I love you too", I said completely disregarding what she just said. Hard-headed, some might say.

"I'm gonna make breakfast. Burrito or eggs?", she asked me after giving me a quick peck on my temple before making her way towards the door.

"Neither", I said, more like whispered but she didn't seem to notice as she was already out of the room.

I closed my eyes and stayed as still as possible. And thats when all the thoughts started rushing in.

You're a fucking nobody.

You fat ugly seacow.

You don't know how to do anything right.

Everyone's right, you should just kill yourself bitch, it would make everyone happier.

I hadn't even noticed I started crying when I felt a salty liquid come in contact with my dry lips.

Yeah, dating a celebrity is like asking for people to hate on you. And to be honest, I don't really mind the hate. The real enemy I have is, well, myself.

I'm my biggest enemy.

Ever since I was little I knew I was different. Being overweight my entire life obviously didn't help. Not being able to attract any boys didn't help. Always being excluded from social events didn't help.

I always felt like an outsider. Until I met billie. She helped me get out of that dark hole, and to her, I am out. But to me, I'm still stuck and deeper than ever.