Paralyzed | Malec

Chapter 35

Welcome back to another chapter angels! I changed my username to my actual name so I hope that none of you are really confused! I love all of you and I hope that all of your are safe and well during this time! Enjoy this chapter! Just a warning, it will be emotional :(
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I woke up because of the sun rays shining inside my room. I groaned softly as I looked at my curtains who were still widely open. I guess, I forgot to close them before going to bed. It has been a week now since I faced Lucifer and the passing away of my mother.

I still haven't processed it entirely... It was hard to even believe that she wouldn't be here anymore. My mother was dead and it was my fault... 

I knew that my fathers tried to make me feel as good as I could but none of their words truly made me relieved or happy. I blamed myself for this... I could have prevented all of this if I was careful enough...

What was I even thinking? That I could fight against people in this short period of time? I needed more training... I wish I just... I wish that I was able to help her... Save her... I was useless... 

I sighed out loud and stood up. It was my mother's funeral today. The shadowhunters have another type of funeral. Everyone dresses in white... I think it would make sense... I mean they were half angelic...

I was going to see her today again... One last time and then the only thing that I would have left of her would be pictures and her things. I would never physically see her again... I exhaled sharply and swallowed my tears away.

I was never going to heal from this... 

I walked inside my bathroom and undressed myself before walking into the shower. I let the warm water reach the back of my body and sighed out of relief. It was relieving... After I washed my body, I dried my body and wore the white dress that Alexis gave me. 

I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were dull and red from the crying I have been doing this entire week. I had dark circles underneath my eyes and my skin was pale. I sighed and washed my face before brushing my teeth. When I was done, I applied a lit bit of make up so I would look presentable to the rest at least.

I let my hair down and my own curls started to roll just above my chest. I looked at my reflection in the mirror again and I could feel was disgust. I was disgusted by myself. Without any emotion, I just stared at myself. I hated myself... 

I heard someone knocking on my room door which made jump out of my thoughts. I exhaled and quickly made my bed before opening the door. When I opened the door I saw both my fathers standing in white suits.

"Can we come in?" My father asked. His eyes were the same as mine... Dark circles underneath his eyes and they were swollen and slightly red. I nodded my head slowly and stepped aside so they could walk in.

"Is something wrong?" I asked as I looked at them. My father quickly shook his head and looked down. I think he had no words left to say. Alec looked at me with the same teary eyes as my father's.

"We just wanted to make sure that you were okay." He said as his blue eyes pierced into mine. I weakly smiled as I nodded.

"I am doing fine." I said as I looked at him. I knew that Alec didn't believe me and neither did my father but what was I suppose to say? That I wasn't okay? Nothing that they would say would make me feel better.

I would be just ruining their time... 

"Do you want to do a speech for your mother?" My father asked as he looked up. I looked at him and was a bit startled. I mean, I wanted to but in front of people that I didn't know... I didn't wanted to say no and then regret it later...