Scars

Part 19

1 week later:

Maddie's POV:

It had been one week since Alyssa and I had gotten into a heated argument outside of the cafe.  And the effects of it were still lingering.  Immensely.   What had happened between us wasn't sitting well with me. At all.  It had left me feeling completely terrible.  I had no appetite, I wasn't sleeping.  And I felt incredibly anxious.  Because for the first time, I think it was hitting me.   Not only were things over between Alyssa and I, but what was really concerning was that we were dangerously close to hating each other's guts permanently  and perhaps never even speaking again.  In short, we were getting dangerously close to the point of no return. 

And honestly it scared me.  Because that just wasn't the way I wanted things to end between us. Because not only did we still have to deal with each other because our sisters were married, but I just didn't think it was right to end things this way.  I didn't want us hate each other.  Because it just wasn't right.   Because at one time, Alyssa and I had truly loved each other and had cared about one another.   So I felt like we both deserved better, just out of mutual respect for each other.

But at our last argument, things had gone too far.  We had both acted in ways we shouldn't of, as well as said hurtful things to each other.  And I was especially guilty of that. 

And to end things like this, well, yes, I thought we both deserved better.

We had a long history together and I just felt like we at least owed it to each other to find someway to at least begin to put some of the hurt behind us.  And begin to somehow start to heal.  Because like I said, we still had to deal with each other.   But the way things were between us right now just wasn't feasible.  And  I didn't think that either one of us could go on like this much longer.  In no short terms, it was killing both of us.  

I could see it in Alyssa's eyes.  She was hurt and angry.  And I could see it in her demeanor.   She was lost and confused.  And just not herself at all.  And honestly, so was I.  So to go on like this just wasn't the answer.  For either of us.

But once again, I didn't know how to fix it.  I literally had no clue where to even begin.  Because everything was such a total mess.  And this time, a lot of it was my fault.  I had no right to verbally attack Alyssa for being with Jordan.  I had no right to get angry at her.  Because I too, was with another woman.  I had an actual girlfriend.  So, in essence, what I was doing was way worse.  But more than anything, I regretted my words.  Telling her I hated her was not the right way to handle things.  At all.  I admit that.  So yes, this time it was me that messed up.  

But again, I was left with the confusion of exactly what to do about it.  Because I felt like I wanted to apologize to her, for my part in our last argument.  Because I had been completely unfair to her.  But how?  Because if left to my own devices, or at that matter, Alyssa's, well it surely would mostly likely just end in disaster once again.  Because things had gotten so bad, that we literally couldn't even be in the same room with each other without arguing.  We were completely incompatible at this point.  We clashed on everything.  We agreed on nothing.   All we did was argue, argue, argue.

So how could we ever have a civil enough conversation for me to tell her how I was really feeling?  That I was sorry not only for our last argument, but for many things that had been said and done over the past several months.  Because although Alyssa wasn't innocent, I too was guilty of not acting right and not handling the situation correctly.  But unfortunately, I had let my anger get the best of me.  And she did as well.  And that's just not how I wanted to end things with her.  It just wasn't fair to either one of us.