I can't do this anymore

Chapter 21 - lost a bit of the tan

Carmeñ's pov:

I didn't really know how I felt. It was almost a numb feeling. It was 1pm on Christmas Day when I woke up. We had decorations up and presents under the tree but it didn't feel like Christmas. Lex wasn't next to me when I looked over so I pulled some joggers on and walked into the other room. Lex sat on the sofa just staring at the wall. It reminded me that I was not the only one hurting. There were all the other people that were close to him were hurt by this to. I shouldn't been selfish by only thinking about myself.
I walked over to her and sat next to her. She layed down with her head on my lap. We both just sat there in comfortable silence.
/'merry Christmas'/ I said my voice sounding strange in the silent room. Lex's eyes started watering and silent tears started to run down her face. I pulled her in and held her close. Maybe if I had just got onto the pitch a bit quicker that day. Maybe if I had just been there more. Why couldn't it have been me. He was much more of a better person than me. He should have lived. I didn't realise I was biting my lip until I tasted blood in my mouth. My eyes were red and tears continued to stream down my face as me and Lex just held each other.

/'come on let's do presents'/ I said and we both sat up. I walked over to the tree and picked up the small box that was Lex's present.
/'okay it's not much but here you are'/ I said handing her the box. I had gotten her a simple gold chain bracelet with a small charm on it. The charm was in the shape of a lock and on the back it had the words mamá engraved. She gasped as she saw it and her eyes started watering.
/'I love you my child'/ she said as she held her arm out for me to put it on her. I clasped it around her wrist and she pulled me into her.

/'okay my turnnn'/ Lex said as she walked over to the tree. She picked up an envelope and brung it back. She handed it to me and I ripped it open. I pulled out 2 slips of paper and read what they said. They were plane tickets. To Spain. To home.
/'LEXY WE ARE GOING HOME'/ I said and i threw my arms around her. She laughed slightly and I sat up again.
/'I have talked to Emma and the rest of the staff at Chelsea. You are getting until January 29th off.'/ she said and tears slowly trickled down my cheeks.
/'you are an absolute life saver'/ I said back.

We ended up eating cereal with a glass of wine in our hands singing our hearts out to Christmas songs. We were about to watch 'love actually' in Spanish were Lex looked at me.
/'I have one more thing for you'/ she said and she grabbed a small box from under the tree.
/'who is it from?'/ I asked.
/'read the back'/ she said and I turned the box over in my hand. On the other side of the wrapping paper it said /'Cars I wanted you to have something of mine so I could always be with you. Merry Christmas and I love you forever. Marc'/ I started to cry as I unwrapped the box. Inside was a chain necklace that I had gotten for him when he was born. On the clasp it said /' till the end of the line'/. Tears were still spilling from my face and Lex gently turned me around to do the necklace up. I lay in her lap and continued to cry while she put on the film and stroked my hair.

(Time skip to a few days later)

It was 4 in the morning when the alarm when off.
/'make it stopppp'/ Lex companied but I shot up with a smile on my face.
/'we are going homeeee'/ I sang happily. Lex's expression soften when she saw my smile. It was the first time I had smiled since the 23rd and it was now the 29th. Jill had called the other day. She was back home in the neverlands and she had got all of her family to come and say hello.
'Oh Carmeñ my child I heard and I am so proud of you.' Jill mum had said while wiping her eyes. 'I love you so much darling and you don't deserve any of this'
'Thank you ma I love you all'
Jill family had sort of adopted me. Lex was me legal guardian but they were a close second.

Jessie had also faced times me and when had chatted a bit. She had only been gone for a few days and I already missed her. Ona and Leila had gone back to Spain for Christmas so I would see them there. I had messages from all the Chelsea girls after my insta post but I hadn't answer yet. Emma would tell them after the holidays.

We landed in Barcelona at around midday. We walked out the airport with our suit cases. Even in the winter it was still 10 degrees outside compared to the -5 degrees in London. I breathed in the Catalan air just grateful to be home for a while. It had been to long away.
/'CARMEÑ'/ a brunette ran into me a hugged me tightly. I laughed slightly as I recognised the girl in my arms.
/'hey Al I missed you'/ I said to Alba Alexia's little sister
/'I miss you too I can't deal with her'/ she said tilting her hard towards Lex.
/'she always comes and bugs me and ma now that you are gone'/ the youngest Putellas continued. I laughed but Lex didn't look happy.
/'shut up you love it really'/ Lex said and she started walking to the car Alba had come from.
/'come on ma is waiting back home'/ she said grabbing my hand and pulling me to the car.

We caught up the whole car ride with lots of laughter. We finally got to Eli's house and we all got out of the car. The door swung open and I saw Eli standing there. She squealed when she saw me and pushed the other 2 girls out of the way to reach me.
/'come here my child'/ she said and pulled me into her arms. I buried my neck into her shoulder and tears started to escape again.
/'you are so brave'/ she started whispering to me.
We finally pulled apart both of us with slightly red eyes. She studied me.
/'gorgeous as ever just lost a bit of the tan'/ she said and we all chuckled. Eli hugged her other children but not as long as me.
/'favouritism'/ Lex said under her breath as we walked into the kitchen of the house.
/'yes Carmeñ is definitely my favourite'/ the older women said and hugged me again. I chucked at this and hugged her back.

I was given 2 more presents of a Barça hoodie that had Le Tissiè 13 embroidered on it from Eli and some new trainers from Alba. I was very thankful and I have them their gifts. For Alba it was a little spa day for 2 in Madrid and for Eli it was a little heart necklace.

I love being with them. They made me feel part of their family and I was so grateful to have them in my life. We played some games and Me and Alba won. We all got very competitive and we're shouting by then end. It got to about 11 when we decided to go to bed. Me and Alex were sharing her old room but I didn't mind. Me and Alex had been sharing a bit for almost 2 weeks but I like it. In Spain at a sleepover you would always sleep in the same bed. I don't know is that happens at other places but I do know that is Spanish are very touchy. We like physical contact and I guess I fitted into that quite well.
I lay down with my head on Lex's chest. A small tear fell from my eye when I remember that he should be here and sleep overtook me.

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Lovly stuff are we all enjoying? Thank you for reading xxx