Summertime Regrets

20

COMPLICATED

***

We don't have much communication. I couldn't help but to avoid him. Imbes na siya ang sabihan ko sa mga 'to kagaya ng ginagawa ko noon, iniisip ko tuloy na magiging katulad lang din kami sa iba.

My father was my ideal man back then, he was an ideal husband and a father. Since I was a kid, I always dreamed of meeting a man like him. But now... not anymore. I may have met Dominic and admired him, but I couldn't tell that he'll stay the same, paano kung katulad lang din kay papa?

_dominichiato: are you free? nasa baba ako

Agad akong napabangon sa kama at sumilip sa bintana kung saan ko siya nakita noon. He waved and gestured me to go down. Mukhang dala niya ulit si chubi. My body automatically moved and I just saw my self standing in front of him.

"Ba't nandito ka?" Halos hangin na lang ang lumabas sa bibig ko.

"Ayaw mo ba na nandito ako?" Tumingin siya sa loob ng jacket niya. He shows me an orange kitten. A new kitten! "You said we'll talk after the training."

"I said we'll call."

"I don't want a call, Hazel Ruth." Tumayo siya sa pagkaupo sa motor niya at lumapit sa 'kin. "Kumusta ka na?" Inayos niya ang iilang buhok na humarang sa mukha ko.

"Sorry." Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa pusa habang linalaruan ang mga daliri ko.

"It's okay, I know it's hard for you. Pero sana naman, sabihin mo." He combed my hair softly.

"Alam na nila, Dominic. Alam na nila mama at kuya 'yong nakita ko sa cozy hut."

I couldn't stop my tears while telling him everything. I tried my best not to make a sound to hide from him that I was crying, but I failed.

I told him everything. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako nagsimula pero ang importante ay sinabi ko sa kaniya ang lahat. He hugged me softly and combed my hair. I felt the kitten between us and it gave me a cute hug too.

Dominic took me for a short walk while telling some fun stories. Nang gumaan na ang pakiramdam ko ay binalik na niya ako sa amin.

"Uh-- wait." Papasok na sana ako sa back gate nang tawagin niya ako. "Here, take good care of him." Inabot niya sa 'kin ang pusa.

"Totoo? Akin na 'to?" Masaya ko itong tinanggap at hinagod-hagod ang likod. "Ano name niya?"

"Name him what you want."

"Hm.. Rita." Mahina siyang natawa sa pangalan na binigay ko. "Pangit ba?"

"Cute." Magaan siyang ngumiti at humugot ng hininga. "Rita, 'wag mong iwan si Ruth, ah? Bantayan mo siya." He runs his index finger through Rita's fur.

We had our endless good bye's before I entered our house. Kahit papaano ay gumaan naman ang pakiramdam ko. Naging ayos ulit kami, pero hindi na kagaya noon na laging nagkakasama.

There was an upcoming competition for football kaya sobrang busy nila sa training. He did his best to maintain our quality time. I was trying to understand him too. Pero hindi ko maiwasang matakot na baka magbago siya bigla. Minsan kasi ay mukhang nagmamadali siya at ayaw niya akong makausap, I don't know if it was just my thought or he really is avoiding me sometimes.

["Ako ang naiwan sa mga kapatid ko, I can't leave them just because you want me to come. Can you atleast understand me sometimes?"]

He started scolding me, kahit na naghihingi siya ng patawad after, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang masaktan. I can't just imagine that he's using high tone while talking to me, he's been so calm and soft to me for months.

"Malapit na ang summer, don't tell me you're still busy."

Seryoso siyang tumingin sa 'kin.

"Oo, pareho tayong busy. Pareho tayong may practice for graduation and moving up. You still can't understand?" He tried to maintain his low voice.

"At least we'll go home together."

"Hindi tayo pareho ng schedule. Hindi ako makakahintay pero susunduin kita."

Their schedule for the practice is morning while ours is afternoon.

"May gagawin ka sa bahay?"

"May linakad si papa sa Bohol, he will go home before our graduation. Kaya sa ngayon ako ang maiiwan sa bahay. Susunduin ko rin sina Nate at Arcel every afternoon."

Napayuko ako, I can't blame him. Maybe I need to be used to it. This is my first time having such kind of relationship like this. This is my first time waiting for the right time to answer him. But it's getting heavy. Do I even deserve this?

"Ruth, love is not just about happiness. 'Di porke't it's getting complicated, you'll complain." Tinapik ni Naij ang balikat ko. "Ganiyan din 'yong nangyari sa inyo ni Kevin noon. I don't want you to repeat it."

"Do you think it's required? I mean kailangan ba talagang may away kapag may pinagsamahan?"

"Hindi kailangang may away. Pero walang away kung umiintindi kayo sa isa't-isat." She held my hand and massaged it.

I'm tired of understanding.

"Pumasok ka na sa ganiyang sitwasyon, panindigan mo 'yan." Nagsalita na rin si Kreska na nasa tabi ko.

The whole week we've been so awkward. Kumakausap naman ako sa kaniya pero may bigat talaga sa loob. Sunod-sunod 'yong away at hindi man lang maayos.

"Ay-- sorry! Sorry, miss!"

"Sorry--"

Natigilan ako nang makita kung sino ang nakabunggo ko sa hallway. Si Leo? Bakit nandito siya? Ang alam ko ay sa isang university siya nag senior-high.

"Oy, kumusta ka na?" Tumuwid siya ng tayo.

"A-Ayos lang."

"Ruth! Mags-start na 'yong line-up." Buti na lang at tinawag ako ni Dale at nakatakas ako. Hindi ko alam kung paano siya kakausapin. Ayaw ko na rin tumaas ang usapan namin.

"After the practice, snack muna tayo." Inakbayan ako ni Dale habang naglalakad kami papasok sa covered court. "My treat."

"You don't to treat me, Dale. Sasama naman ako kahit hindi mo ako ili-libre."

Just like he said, we went to the nearest milk-tea shop and bought two of dark chocolate.

"25 percent sugar lang po 'yong isa," saad ni Dale at umupo sa tabi ko. He really knows me well. "Ano gusto mong food?"

"Hm.." Umiling ako. "'Wag na."

"Okay, sige."

We talked some stupid things we've done last year. Tawang-tawa ako nang pinaalala niya sa 'kin lahat ng mga kalokohan namin.

"Tapos ngayon, linalayuan mo na ako bigla." Natigil ako sa pagtatawa ng bigla siyang sumeryuso. "I heard you got a fight with Dominic, are you really fine with him? I mean, he's gonna be a college student next year, we don't know where he'll study. Baka malayo."

"Ano ibig mong sabihin, Dale?"

"You know it, Ruth. You can date me instead. 'Di ba ang plano natin ay papasok tayo sa parehong university 'pag college natin? Magsama tayo hanggang fourth year."

"Ano ba, Dale! That's not what I'm after. Hindi ko kailangan ng malapit." Tumayo ako at kinuha ang drawstring bag ko. Aktong aalis na sana ako nang may pahabol pa siya.

"You'll end up soon, Ruth. Just like what happened to you and Leo."

Hindi ako makagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko nang makita si Dominic sa kabila. Nakaupo lang siya sa mountain bike niya at nasa akin ang tingin. I could see how he swallowed and turned his gaze down before he stood up to get his bike.

"See? He doesn't care." Tumayo si Dale at lumapit sa 'kin. "Kanina pa 'yan."

"Dale, I thought you were a friend." Tumingin ako ng diretso sa mga mata niya. He shrugged.

"Nagmahal lang."