My One-Sided Affair

What Am I to You

Trigger warning. A short discussion of LGBTQ violence and discrimination.

Under the covers, NuNew touched his mouth flinched, and smiled. Hia had kissed him silly and now his lips were swollen and raw. It was strange that pain should make him happy. Not the pain exactly, but the remembrance of how his lips came to be in this condition that prompted him to touch, and despite that it ached he smiled and felt little tingles in his throat that sometimes became too much, so he wiggled and giggled.

They had talked for hours, spending the morning and afternoon tucked away in their little haven. NuNew was beginning to think it was possible to drown from the intoxicating feelings he had when he was with Hia. Sometimes all he could do was cling to Zee, dizzy and shaking, feeling too much, yet unable to explain.

How did he go so many months without this? When did Hia get so sexy? He didn't remember him being...this intense.

During their discussion, they made some decisions about their carnal relations. The most important was to wait to have...penetration. Neither one of them had ever done it and Hia said having sex with a girl did not count. He had been doing his research and he said anal sex was more complicated. They agreed to explore and see what they liked and go from there.

Just thinking about it made NuNew squeal. He was; is there a word for how he felt? Anticipation, nervous, embarrassed, impatient, horny, wanting to flee, wanting to grab Hia and tell him he was ready, right now. His skin felt raw and electric and if something did not happen soon, he was going to do something incredibly stupid.

Despite how his body felt and what his horny brain was telling him, there remained the problem of their status. He wanted to say, 'to hell with it.', and trust the process, but he could not shake off this thought. What am I to you?

How could he bring this up without sounding like a whiny baby? How could he explain his resistance to going further with Hia without it sounding like an ultimatum? NuNew wished he wasn't so painfully shy and was more like James. James just said whatever was important to him. NuNew kept everything inside, even with his closest people.

Frustrated, Nu kicked his feet like a child having a tantrum and managed to get tangled up in the bedding. Instead of calmly solving his simple problem, he mindlessly struggled until he was sweaty hot, and holding back tears.

No, this would not do. Hia would be back any second with snacks.

''''''''''''

In the kitchen, bags of snacks were strewn about. Some of which were in the process of being neatly placed on a tray. In the middle of it all stood Zee. He was staring at the bags wondering what was next. He had bought all this food in preparation for their reunion and when he was at the store wandering the aisles, he had been so excited imagining all the cute little noises Nhu would make and how he would stuff his face until he looked like a little chipmunk preparing for winter. But something was nagging at his conscious. Something that he knew they needed to talk out.

Zee had been avoiding talking to Nhu about their relationship status. Every time Nhu hinted at it, or outright asked him, he dodged. He was taking advantage of NuNew being an introvert and it was wrong. It cost something every time he did this, and he felt horrible. NuNew deserved his complete honesty.

He tried to show NuNew how he felt every chance he could. He adored the young man, and he was all he could think about. To him, NuNew was a precious gift that he wanted to cherish for the rest of his life. Of that, he was certain.

Simply put, Zee was afraid. Not of NuNew. What was between them was simple and pure and If he could he would have NuNew wear a sign that said, 'I have found my life partner and his name is Zee Pruk Panich. If you have any questions please call...' If NuNew was a woman, he could do that. He could shout about how he loved him, and everyone would think it was so cute, but they did not live in a world like that.