Military Girlfriend

Chapter 28

 Chapter 28:

    Sometimes when the night takes over, so do my thoughts. I ask myself the same question every time my head falls against my pillow, why? Why is it that in the end of this whole thing I was the one to look like a fool? The thing I can't grasp the most is that he knew what it felt like to get cheated on, he knew the pain and the aftermath of how he was when the news was broken to him. So why would you pass that pain onto someone else? Someone who stood there loving you with all she had, the girl who stood by your side even when all hope was losing its hold. I search for the answers in the darkness of the night, I ask them to the ghost of him. I know an answer won't come, but I also know that there is never a good enough answer to these question I ask, because every time one is answered another one takes its place. It's an open wound, and each thought is salt sinking into them.

When I got in the car that day, and I saw how he ran after me in a mess of emotions, it took all I had not to comfort the guy who was always strong in my eyes, break. Then I realized the girl he swore he would never hurt was shattered at the words of venom that left his trembling lips.

At this time he should be boarding his flight and going back to God knows where, I should be there kissing him goodbye as he promises me his return. Yet instead I find myself staring blankly at the ketchup bottle as I take my lunch break. We're busy today in the diner, and I couldn't be more pleased. Because although I love Nancy, she's been checking on me way too much. Don't get me wrong i'm in a fragile stage, but i'll pick up the pieces he broke and get on with my life. Time is sure to mend my broken heart.

I give him create for the space he has given me, and sometimes in the midst of the night when I reach out for him, I curse for too much space. Life isn't a fairy-tale, sometimes people don't get their happily ever after. Sometimes the story ends in the middle of a chapter, in the beginning of a sentence or at the end of a word. Tears have fallen and sopped up these pages as the dark lines of our time shared together crumple into a sopping mess of black. It's the memories now that I must decipher from the nightmares.

I picture his lips on her, and cringe. I don't know what she looks like, or what her voice sounds like, all I know is her name and how hard it is too get it out. I'll pass by people I don't know and hear that name and I feel like my world is spinning again, it takes me back to the moment everything changed as I am forced to relive the heartbreak. It breaks all over again in tinier pieces. How come someone you've never met can ruin your life and everything you once thought you lived for. I don't even know if she knew about me, and I understand it takes two to tango but for now I focus all my anger and resentment on her, because the only feelings I can muster up for him is hurt that I never thought could exist. It's betrayal in the lowest of form. When a break up happens it feels like a death, you mourn the time you shared and cry for what is lost. For awhile things that once seemed so vivid lose their colors and food you once loved becomes as bland as can be. Half the time it's not you being pathetic, its you trying to cope for a lost you never saw coming.

I check my phone more often then I should, and every time his name doesn't pop up with a message or a missed call from him, disappointment settles in once again. It's sad isn't it? We know the person hasn't contacted us but we still look because hope is a strong thing. I'm torn in two wishing he would call, but also sitting here hoping he doesn't because of what he did to me. I can't say I resent him, but how can someone do that to another human being? Do I cry in pity for myself at night, or for being to love-struck to notice?

When you first meet someone and you fall in love with them, you ask yourself. How did I manage to come all this way in my life without them? Yet when love perishes and you sit their alone with nothing but your wild thought, you find yourself asking the same question yet with a twist. How do I go on with life without them? You know you were fine without them and you'll eventually be fine again, but your life seemed so perfect with them, so right. It's hard to picture yourself with someone else, let alone following through on the action.

But I let all of that go, I just try to gain enough energy that hasn't been wasted on the thought of him and get myself through the day. Sometime soon i'll find the strength inside of me to whisper goodbye in the dark instead of questions. One day the questions won't need answers to them because at one point it won't matter as much to you as it does now. With that promise to myself I get through the days that pass until the reality of this dream finds me.

He built lies on forever.

I don't think love ever dies inside of us, I just believe that it tends to lose its will and hibernates until someone else comes and wakes that love inside of you back up again. I will see the spark of love in my eyes that i've missed seeing. The smile will return and the butterflies will wake up from the lullaby that sang them to sleep. My tomorrow may not be next week or next month but it will eventually come. I just have to fight between the two people that live inside of me, the one who searches in a better tomorrow or the one who feeds off the sorrow I feed.