can't forget you, won't forget you

01

The day my dad died, a piece of my soul went with him. I have never felt the pure physical pain that death could cause to one, but now that I have... I don't know how I could make it go away.

It's now just my mother and I at home, since my older sister is in college. It's been two months since his passing, yet I can't find the motivation to make it out of bed. My mom has sent me to group therapy for teens who have lost loved ones and for other reasons. My mom on the other hand is trying her best not to break down everyday. I see her almost every other night sneak a small bottle of alcohol up to her room. She wears my father's hoodie to sleep, as well.

In my room, I keep a picture of him by my bed. I talk to him every night; wishing that he was still with us. He was like my best friend, but now he's gone.

My father was like my best friend and always made me laugh. His Japanese background and my mom's black background created me, a well rounded Blasian.

School ended two weeks ago in May, so I've been home moping in bed. My best friends: Everly and Vince have tried to make me feel better, but I can't. It physically hurts to try and have fun while my father is dead.

I was laying in bed when my mom shouted from downstairs;

"Lena, Vincent is here!"

I didn't say anything back to her. I held my father's picture in my hands while I blankly stared at it.

"Hey Lena." Vince said with a calm tone.

I couldn't look up but a tear fell from my eye. He sat down in front of me on the bed. I could feel him looking at me, but I let him.

"It should've been me." I mumbled.

"Don't say that, Lee." He shook his head and put his hand on my thigh.

"I was driving the car." I sniffled.

We sat in silence; no words exchanged.

"It was the drunk driver, Lee. Not you."

I looked up into his hazel brown eyes; his wavy hair was almost over his eyebrows. Tears filled my eyes, making my sight become blurry.

"Why did he have to go?" I tried so hard not to sob.

He looked at me with a warming face, letting me know that it was okay.

"Come. I want to show you something." He stood up and put his hand out.

"I'm not leaving, Vince." I shook my head, wiping my tears.

"Trust me." He smiled slightly.

I grabbed his hand and got out of bed. I was wearing a pair of shorts and a tank top. I looked down at myself and instantly hated how I looked.

"Hey. You look good." He said with a soft voice, which comforted me.

We both walked downstairs and towards the garage. I put on my Vans, and grabbed my bike. His was already in front.

I followed him on the bike to wherever we were going.

Vince and I have known each other since we were young. Him and I are closer than I am to anyone else. He has been there for me no matter what. He was even there when I got my first period. He thought I spilt Kool-Aid on myself, and I couldn't stop crying because I thought I was dying.

Vince was the kind of guy in high school that every guy wanted to be his friend and every girl wanted to have sex with him. He was captain of the football team and had to be one of the most popular boys at school. No matter what, he's always there for his friends. He only lives with his mother because his father walked out on them when he was four. He was cheating on his mother with the woman down the street at the motel off the exit. His father and the woman moved to Nevada, and he never hears from him. Vince never had a settle relationship before. He likes to play around with girls for a few weeks at a time, then they'll stop. Guess he gets that from his dad. He also had a small problem when it came to smoking weed and juul, but who doesn't nowadays.

We rode our bikes down the small town of Quinnsland. The summer sunset was occurring right above us, and I haven't felt so calm in awhile. I needed this.

We arrived at "our spot", which was a high hill of grass. When we were younger, we both put tire swings on top of the hill, attached to the large oak tree. We called this "our spot" because it was the best place to see the sunset right above the Church and into the trees.

We both sat in our separate tire swings, and sat in silence; isolated in our thoughts.

"I miss him." I blurted out.

"I do too." He said lowly.

"He was my first best friend. Now I just feel empty." I swung slowly.

"I never had a father, but yours treated me like a son." I felt his eyes on me as I looked out to the sky.

"It's weird."

"What is?" He asked.

"The house.. It's too quiet. Mom takes up extra shifts now to help with the bills, and I'm always home alone."

"How has Alexa held up?"

"She's strong. She's doing way better than I am."

"Everyone grieves differently."

"I don't want to talk about him anymore." I sighed and looked at him.

He nodded and accepted.

"So, we're going to be seniors this year." He chuckled nervously.

"You really moved the convo to school? Nice." I sighed then stood up. I walked to my bike ready to walk down the hill.

"Where are you going?" He stood up and asked; concerned.

"Why'd you bring me here, Vince?" I began to become annoyed with him.

"I miss my best friend. I miss hanging out with her. I miss laughing with her. Your dad would want you to be happy and continue living, Lena!"

"Well he's dead and he can't really tell me what to do anymore." I rolled my eyes then began to walk down the hill.

"Lena, come on! There's a reason why you're still alive and you have to take advantage of that."

I stopped, tears started to flow out of my eyes. I turned back around and looked at him.

"I died along with my father that night! Don't tell me to keep living, when all I feel inside is pain!" I cried harder now.

He walked over to me and hugged me tightly.

"You're going to be okay. You're going to be okay." He repeated to try and calm me down.

"Every time I close my eyes, all I see is him. I see him in my dreams, and shit his pictures are all over the house." I laughed while still crying.

"The pain won't last forever. I promise it won't. I'm here for you, always." He tightened his arms around my smaller self.