Lethal Obsession

16.

"The only wolves we got to fear are the ones wear manskin,"

― George RR Marin

"No man ever truly knows what he can do unless he dares to leap."

― George R.R. Martin

"The lie made into the rule of the world."

― Franz Kafka

Chapter 16

Many times in life I had read about the experience of people who were in mortal danger. How they felt then, what they had been thinking about. However, none of that could prepare me for the state I found myself in when the area erupted with gunshots. First came paralysis, a period in which I felt nothing. In real-time it lasted probably less than a second, but in my mind, it seemed as I was trapped in that condition for hours. I had always believed that there wasn't a time when a person's mind would be empty, no thoughts, just a big nothing. Yet, my beliefs were refuted in a cruel way. The only thing I was sure of at that moment was that I didn't feel a single thing. There was no emotion occupying my senses. I was like a robot programmed to only exist.

That state was immediately followed by the one of panic. I started sweating uncontrollably, my heart was pounding like crazy and my breathing was uneven and heavy. At the time the only thing I craved was to disappear from that place and show up somewhere safe. Adrenaline flowed through my veins begging me to take action.

Due to the commotion in my body, I didn't even feel when Mateo wrapped his arms around my waist, lifted me up and took me to the nearest stand at what felt like the speed of light. His intention was to find us a shelter, or at least I hoped so. Only when he lowered me to the cold ground and crouched next to me did I realize what was happening and I entered the third and most intense phase of the reaction to the shooting.

Fear. The scariest emotion. Worse than worry, anger, sadness. Unpredictable. It can affect a person in two ways. To paralyze him and completely bind him to the feeling of doom, giving him a hint of helplessness that completely destroys his self-confidence. But on the other hand, it can motivate someone, encourage him to take action, giving him the strength that he himself did not know he possessed. Unfortunately, no matter how black and white the categories seem to be, with clear boundaries, there is always someone who can't fit into any of them, someone who is somewhere in between. Taking into account the kind of luck I've had in life, it comes as no surprise that I am one of those exceptions.

"Mateo, what's going on?!" I raised my voice. Somewhere deep down I was very much aware that he probably didn't know the answer to that question himself, but I needed an explanation, albeit a false one. I was scared of the unknown.

"I don't know," he answered shortly. His voice didn't tremble, his heart didn't beat like crazy in his chest nor did he seem affected by the whole situation. Still, the drop of sweat pouring down his face was a small but clear indication that he didn't take the situation lightly.

"Mateo?" I tried one more time in despair, even then not lowering the tone of my voice.

"Shut the hell up and let me think!" He yelled, making me flinch. I obeyed him, it wasn't like anything else was an option.

We were at least partially hidden from the outside world inside the stand. Although I could still hear the gunshots and people's screams, I didn't see anything, which was at least some kind of consolation. Yet, I wasn't sure how much I could say the same for Mateo.

He was still next to me with his arm around my waist. He most likely wanted to make sure that I was lying on the ground and not in danger. He was getting tenser and tenser every second. It was obvious that his brain was working overtime trying to find solutions to this situation. I wanted to help him, to come up with something that could get us out of this situation, but it was in vain, my mind went blank.