Lethal Obsession

25.

"Not all wounds are visible." ― unknown

"He's sort of a Svengali... It means someone who's manipulative. More than that: somebody who makes you think that you need him in order to accomplish anything."
― Anne Beattie

"Pain is necessary. Pain is life. Without pain there can be no joy." ― Rick Yancey

"...I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong..."

- Somewhere I belong – Linkin Park

Chapter 25

Throughout my whole life, I refused to acknowledge that a feeling of rejection existed and that it ruled over my being. For a long time, I tried to convince myself that what was happening to me was something I could change. I just had to do better, to improve, to grow and then, my father would finally start looking at me with different eyes. I was perfectly aware of the fact that I was nothing but a burden to him, but I still hoped that I could change that. For that exact reason, his words, and especially his eyes that held so much hatred in them, hit me like the most disastrous hurricane, knocking every atom of oxygen out of my body.

I didn't feel pain in my knees when I collapsed on the floor. The only thing I felt was a heaviness in my chest and I was slowly losing my ability to breathe. It was horrible. The tears did not stop falling and my vision was completely blurred. I had to constantly take deep breaths so my lungs could keep working. I felt like I was going to lose consciousness at any moment. I was shivering. I felt like I was freezing, and yet again I was covered in sweat that was evaporating uncontrollably from my body. My heart rate was getting weaker and no matter how hard I tried to calm myself, I couldn't.

I barely registered Mateo's arms around my tiny and at that moment very fragile body. He pulled me to him, put my head on his shoulders and left numerous kisses on my forehead. His heartbeat used to calm me more than everything, but this time it didn't help. Moreover, it had a completely opposite effect. I wanted him to leave me alone, to let me be swallowed in the pit of my loneliness, self-pity and misery. I needed nothing more but to slowly sink into nothingness.

"Love?" Mateo tried to bring me back to reality. If I hadn't been as engrossed in my own world, I would probably have laughed at the way he addressed me. So gently and chastely, the complete opposite of what he really was.

I didn't respond. Not that I could even If I wanted to. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, slowly realizing that I was losing everything.

"Everything will be fine," he whispered. This time I couldn't help but let out a sarcastic, slightly hysterical laugh.

I had heard this sentence many times in my life, not only when it was said to me, but also when I was the one who said it to others. Every time it was said I was aware there was no point In doing it. It didn't even lead to the well-being of the person for whom it was intended, because the person is perfectly aware, that it was pure nonsense. Maybe everything eventually will be fine, who knows, but at the moment when someone experiences such strong emotions, that attempt to provide a kind of peace means nothing. Sometimes, it's not even an attempt to help. Sometimes people don't even know what to do, but they feel the social pressure that they have to make it easier for someone and do whatever it takes to make them feel better. But that is completely wrong and only makes the situation worse for both sides.