Tainted Love (bxb)

Chapter 11 - Bonding

I hated myself....I was disgusted with who I was. I hated my parents, my father for making me this monster of a person. I hated my uncle, for showing me, that I had no other choice but become that creature that killed, as if life was given to us more than once. I hated the feeling in my gut, that punished me for what I had done. I wanted to throw up....punch somebody, preferably myself and I wanted to...well cry. I wouldn't, but I wanted to. 

I was standing in my shower, still feeling like I was covered in blood and mutt and still had to wear that emotionless cold mask, that would show everybody, how ruthless of a murderer I was, even though that was a lie. I took the bodywash and, once more, scrubbed my entire body, that felt like I was wearing the skin of somebody else. Somebody who enjoyed killing and taking people's lives. But I didn't. I wasn't that person. I mean, I had been trained to do so and it hadn't been my first time killing somebody, but that didn't mean it would get any more pleasant. 

And before this, I was always just a warrior, only killing when my father was yelling at me to do so. I only killed people who were already extremely wounded and probably wouldn't make it anyway. Sometimes, I killed to protect myself, if people would run at me and try to take down the future alpha of the pack, which was killing theirs. It was never pleasant and the first time I had done it, I vomited right afterwards. I was only 12 years old....It had gotten easier over the years. 

But now I was responsible for all of their deaths. Even if it was my fathers will, I was the one leading my pack to wipe out another one. I had killed so many people and I had never felt worse in my entire life. I wanted to scream and cry and sob and punch that stupid wall over and over again until I would feel some physical pain, but I didn't. I didn't have the right to make myself feel better. I was a monster, a killer, I deserved to feel this pain, this guilt that was eating me alive. 

When I had scrubbed my whole body enough to see my skin turn red, I exhaled sharply, turning off the shower. I wanted to stay in this glass box for the rest of my life and never face the harsh reality I had created for myself ever again, but I knew I couldn't hide. I wouldn't allow myself to do so. Only a good person deserves to be speared from more pain and misery, I deserved to feel it all. I stepped out of the shower, drying myself, but it was like I could still smell them all over me. I could still hear their cries and feel their pain and I couldn't even close my eyes to make it all stop, because then I only saw horrifying pictures of torn up wolves, who didn't deserve this.

Sure, they attacked us first, but only because they were sick of paying for something, that should have been granted anyways: safety. My lungs and heart felt heavy, while my body was tired from the hard fight it had just won. But I didn't deserve to go to sleep. I mean, it was late, basically night and I should have gone to sleep, since that was still a rare thing for me, but no. My mind wouldn't rest and I still felt like a monster, like me, didn't deserve to rest. I should stay up and try to live with myself after what I had done today. 

I admired Cecilia and Pax, who didn't even think twice before sprinting towards their victims, killing them with ease. They had been trained to do so, exactly like I had, so why was I feeling so guilty and they could just...shut that feeling out? Maybe because they were ordered to do exactly that and I, in contrary to them, ordered the attack. Well my father did, but still, I was the alpha...They were both probably laying in bed, sound asleep with a smile on their face and not a care in the world, while I was sitting at the edge of my bed in only a towel, which was wrapped around my hips, debating if I should punish myself or not. 

"Little guy, don't do that to yourself. You did good. You did what you were trained to do" Dixon sighed and I shook my head. "Then why does it feel so bad? Because I am a monster and I deserve to feel pain...Gosh, not even Lynton had a problem fighting alongside everybody else, but why can't I just do as I've been raised?" I asked, digging my claws slightly into my thigh, just to feel some sort of relief.