Tainted Love (bxb)

Chapter 44 -Needing comfort

After Riley and I returned back home from our little walk, that I think really helped Riley, since he was out and moving again for once, he changed into a big shirt of mine, since my smell apparently calmed him as well, paired with only his boxers, before he got into bed, as he asked me to hold him. Of course I was more than happy doing so and so I pulled him into my hold, where he slept all night and seemed at peace for once. 

The next morning it was as if nothing had changed. I mean, I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up, that he was magically better, but truth was, I had just a little bit. But I meant what I had said in the woods. That he really shouldn't stress about it and I was his mate, so of course I wanted him to do whatever he needed to feel better. I did a lot more research on the topic, since some of his symptoms were similar to depression, but the forums, where people with DP/DR talked about their experiences, told me, that that was completely normal and he just needed his rest, since the derealisation was actually quite exhausting, when you were trying your hardest to get back into reality. 

So the next two days, he stayed in bed again. But he was better. He was able to eat, even at the dinner table with me. He exchanged his phone for the Tv once in a while, which apparently was also a good sign, that he was ready to look into a further distance and at something that was bigger, despite his tunnel vision. And sometimes he was even able to hold a conversation with me. It was mostly short lived and I did the talking, as it seemed to exhausted him to search his own brain for the right words to say, but I was glad that he was doing better and that he wasn't pushing himself too hard. 

I was also glad, that I could be there for him and that he didn't need to go through this alone. Because some people in the forums said, it was one of the worst feelings when you would slowly get out of a DR phase, even if just for a few minutes, and you couldn't interact with people, so the reality to which you returned seemed useless and that was worse than the disorder itself. And it wasn't like I had anything else to do. My work I could do next to Riley in bed on my laptop or phone and thankfully, there wasn't anybody threatening my pack or something like that, so it was quiet for now. 

Riley slept a lot again, but that was alright, if he needed his rest then he should get it and I tried to watch out, that he wasn't dehydrating himself or something like that and he had the best conditions to pull through the phase. I learned that without any help, like therapy, the disorder would never fully leave and Riley would always be in a haze like state, but there were better and worse days and then there were the really bad phases, like now, that could last for a week or longer. I already did my research and found a number of a therapists, that Riley could see, but only if he would agree, because this was his decision. I only wanted to provide him with the possibility. But first he needed to get better, to make such a decision right now. 

And I was patent. I missed my mate, of course. I missed his bubbly personality, his gentle touch, his soothing words and his humor, which all seemed to be clouded by the derealization. But I knew that he was the one suffering here and that I just needed to help him get through this in oder to have my mate back. For now I was fine with holding him, telling him how much I loved him and how proud I was of him. I was ok with stroking his arm, while he was on his phone and I worked on my laptop and I was also ok with bringing him some water and snacks to cheer him up if needed and it did work at times. 

Of course it didn't make the phase pass that easily, but I think it made it a little easier for Riley to sit it through, as he snuggled in my arms, watching a video on his phone and nibbling on some raspberries. One time, he still had a small breakdown, as he whimpered in my arms that he wanted to be back in reality so badly, that he wanted to feel again and not be in this numb state, where he couldn't tell if this was a dream or reality, because it felt like a dream and everything was going too fast and overwhelming and all I could do was hold him and tell him it would pass. Because that was the only thing that kept him sane, the thought of it getting better again.