Tainted Love (bxb)

Chapter 25 - Want you to want me

I sat on the bench I was supposed to meet Riley, playing with the Rubik's cube in my hands. I felt guilty, oh so guilty. Sawyer gave me all of this because he loved Riley and he wanted him to be ok in his next relationship, because he thought he deserved this much. And even though I wasn't lying when I told him we weren't dating, I still had a reason to feel guilty. Because I was about to meet my mate and even though we said we would just call this 'hanging out as friends', we both knew that eventually this could turn into something more. 

Of course I wanted my mate, more than anything in the world, so Sawyer showing me what I had broken with my feelings for him, how I destroyed what could have stayed a beautiful and successful relationship, did make me feel like the bad guy that I was. Because in this story, I was the bad guy. I fell, or more like was mated, to a guy that was already spoken for. I didn't suppress my feelings and granted him this relationship, because I was too selfish to do so. Maybe if I would have stayed away, Riley would have never felt the bond as well and would now not be on his way here, but would be at Sawyer's, in love and happy. 

The Rubik's cube symbolized how little I knew about Riley and how well Sawyer knew him. I mean, I understood my mate, but I still didn't know a lot about his childhood, the things he adored, the things he hated, his condition, his day to day life....But I wanted to know, why I had this Rubik's cube in my hand today, why Sawyer thought this was a necessary. I knew I would find out sooner or later anyway, but I also wanted Riley to trust me with it and not just tell me out of guilt. 

"Where did you get this?" I suddenly heard the sweet voice of my mate, who had arrived at the bench. I was so lost in thoughts, that I hadn't even noticed him approaching and that says a lot. I lifted my eyes away from the cube, my sad face telling him the story before the words would even leave my lips. "Sawyer came to talk to me yesterday" I said and Riley looked a little shocked and sad, but not really hysterical. He closed his mouth, hesitantly sitting down next to me on the bench, hating how complicated this was. 

"What did he say?" he asked, the hurt very audible in his voice. It was quiet for a moment and all that was to hear were the sounds of the birds on the trees behind us and a mother pushing a stroller by us on the bumpy path in front of our feet. This looked like a drug dealer and buyer kind of situation, but actually it was a lot more complicated than that. I looked down at the Rubik's cube, biting my lip as the guilt overtook me again. God damn it, why couldn't Sawyer just be a complete dick? 

"He gave me a bunch of stuff he thought I could use to make you more comfortable. He thought we were already dating...I told him we weren't, but....he gave it to me anyway. Its kind of sweet" I said, not too sure why I was downplaying it, but come on, how was I supposed to compete with this? Riley was silent for a moment and I wouldn't even be surprised if he stood up now, going to Sawyer, but he stayed. 

"No its stupid" he suddenly announced and I looked at him completely shocked, that he would say this. Riley frowned and kind of even looked angry, which I didn't understand. "What?" I asked, because maybe he was just saying this to make me feel better and that would not only be unfair towards Sawyer, but also himself. 

"Its stupid. I mean, I know he means well, Sawyer is....one of the sweetest guys on this planet, but it wasn't his place to give you all of that. Makes it sound like I'm some basket case you can't date like a normal human being. You need a handbook for that. I know he didn't mean it like that, but he doesn't even know what is going on with me and you...it was just not his place" Riley said and I understood him, but he sounded like he was trying to convince himself that he was angry. 

"Yes but I really don't think that is what he meant. For example with the Rubik's cube...he just said you would need a distraction when you are having...an episode and that this always helped you....Don't worry, he didn't say what these episodes were" I said and Riley sighed, genuinely disappointed in Sawyer.