Betting on You

46

f o r t y s i x

"So, Madeline. How are you doing today?"

It was a question that Dr. Shay asked me at the beginning of every single session, and yet every time she asked, my response had always been much of the same; A simple nod of my head. "I'm okay, I guess."

At the familiarity of my response, she crossed her left leg over her right. "Alright," she smiled gently. "Then how about I ask; how have you been?"

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. This was my first session back with Dr. Shay, and I was nervous only because I knew that she must've been disappointed in me. In the progress, she had helped me make. How, in one split second, I had forgotten it all and had done something reckless for a quick fix to focus my pain on something external like my wrists, rather than my heart and emotions.

At my prolonged silence and the storm that she no doubt could sense brewing in me, she sighed softly and pushed up the thin rimmed grey glasses on her nose. They perfectly matched her hunter grey pantsuit, and accentuated her dark skin tone. "Should we talk about what happened in your bathroom, a couple of weeks ago?"

My mouth went dry, though I knew this was going to have to be something I talked about. I couldn't just avoid this topic, especially with her. And, at this point in my life, I didn't really want to. "Well," I began quietly, rubbing my palms on my jean-clad thighs. "I hurt myself. Pretty badly."

She hummed in that way that she did, "Were you trying to kill yourself?"

For some reason, my heart was beating really fast. "No."

She rose a brow. "What was your intention behind your actions?"

I continued rubbing my hands on my thighs. I wanted to get the words out. I wanted so desperately to stop feeling the way that I did, and for everything to just get better for me again. I knew that I'd have to talk to her to get there, but putting everything into words just made it all a lot more real.

And it was a reality that I did not want to face.

Yet, I had to anyways. "Just to feel pain... somewhere else."

"Somewhere else," she repeated, frowning. "Where were you trying to relieve the pain from?"

My cheeks burned red at how stupid my answer sounded, but it was the truth, and I pointed to my chest.

She understood. "So, you had a broken heart."

I nodded.

"Was this a breakup?"

I found myself nodding my head, but while that wasn't necessarily what I would've labeled it, it certainly felt like I had gone through one. And it was certainly better than admitting I had a friends with benefits situation happening. "It was all a joke to him."

"What was a joke?" she asked for clarification, "The entire relationship? The way he handled things?"

"Me," I couldn't help but blurt out. "I was the joke. He just pretended that he wanted to... date me, to get under someone else's skin."

"Why was he pretending?"

That was the million dollar question, wasn't it? And it came with multiple answers.

There was the fact that he wanted to get money out of it. Best Jared once more. That this game to him was a pasttime and nothing more.

Then there was the claims that Luke had made, saying this bet had helped him act on his feelings for me. Which I ruled out -- You don't bet on people you love in such humiliating ways.