If I Knew Then (Phan)

Confessions

Dan -

I tried fighting the smile that was creeping onto my face, but it was impossible. I started laughing and Phil raised his eyebrow at me before joining in.

When we both managed to stop laughing I looked up to see Phil giving me an odd expression. It resembled something between happiness and confusion.

Phil -

Hearing Dan laugh made me want to laugh, and there's really no explanation for that. After all he's done I shouldn't find his happiness enjoyable, but looking at him now I know I could never hate him. Even if I'm supposed to. I have every reason to and yet.... His smile is so contagious..

I realize Dan has stopped laughing and is now studying me, I glance down quickly as I feel my face heat.

After a moment of awkward silence, Dan slumps down into the chair opposite the couch I'm sitting on and sighs.

"Do you want to go?" he asks, sounding indifferent.

No. I don't. But I don't think I should say that out loud so I go for completely ignoring the question.

"Why exactly do you live in a magazine cover?" I ask.

"What do you mean?" he says, looking around.

"Dan, this place looks some home and gardens special edition." I say, indicating the modern-patterned rug and the abstract art on the walls.

"My mother likes it to look clean." Dan says, looking down.

"Is she working?" I ask.

"No, she and my father are out of town for the next couple of days." he says.

I clench my hands and begin to worry. Maybe I was right about this all being some ploy. I mean, we're here alone and his parents aren't coming back anytime soon. Maybe I should have said I wanted to leave... I strain my ears, trying to hear if any of Dan's 'friends' are here. I don't hear anything, but that doesn't mean much.

"Is that it then?" I say through clenched teeth.

Dan looks up, confusion showing on his face.

"What do you mean?"

"You bring me here just to torment me some more?" I say, curling into the couch and sounding a lot less angry than I should have. "Are your 'friends' going to pop out anytime soon?"

I see many expressions showing on his face as he reacts to my accusation. I'm not sure if I'm reading any of them right, because they don't make any sense. Sadness, rejection, and disappointment are what I see, but none of those could be right. We're talking about Dan Howell.

"Phil..." he says, his voice sounding small. "You're okay."

I narrow my eyes at him and let out a harsh laugh.

"Do I look okay, Dan? Because last time I looked I was covered in blood and it was your fault."

"You think I don't know that!" he snaps, his voice loud enough to make my ears ring.

I'm at a loss for words and I just end up staring at him. Eventually I relax a bit and unfold my legs from the couch. He's got his head in his hands and I reach out to him, but quickly snatch my hand back.

"Why?" I ask, my voice hard.

"Why what?" he says, sounding pained.

"Why do you do it? Everyday you take the time to come and hit me and yell and scream.. at me? Why?"

Dan looks up, his eyes wild and his hair sticking up in all directions from him running his hand through it.

"Because it's me or you." he says quietly after a while. "That's the choice and I put me first."

He gets up from his spot on the chair and comes and sits on the floor in front of me. I look away. I look anywhere except for at him.

"Phil..." he says, his voice breaking. "I'm so sorry."

I look down, straight into his eyes, and realize how sincere he looks. I open my mouth to say something, but I don't have anything to say. I lean back and fold myself into the corner of the couch. I elect just to stare at the very brown walls while he sits there, staring at me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author's Note:

Woo! Been writing a lot lately.. it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I have a genetics project due or anything... no.. no correlation at all. /So I'm, using you for procrastination get over it/

And this chapter is actually semi-long. Aren't you proud?

Anyway, there is an actually purpose for this note. I have a question for you guys: Which prospective do you like more? Phil's is easier to write, but I think I enjoy writing Dan's more... I realize that at this point I'm basically just using their names and appearances because I'm sure Dan has very nice parents and he's not actually this stupid/rude, but you know what? It's my freaking story!

So anyway, who's prospective do you guys like more? I probably won't write anymore until I get a response on this because I don't want to write something you guys don't enjoy! And like I said before, please please give criticisms or tips, I can't improve things I don't know are wrong!