Dan -
I took off from work, my shift was almost over anyway, and we walked to a Starbucks close by.
I keep sneaking glances at Phil, still expecting him to disappear and that this is all some torturous fantasy my mind made up.
We haven't spoken in a while, I think Phil's trying to convince himself it's real, too. I never imagined I'd have another chance to apologize for everything and I feel like my apology earlier was inadequate, but I don't know how to phrase another one. I just wait for him to speak.
"Want to share a flat with me?" Phil asks casually.
I feel my eyes widen, and I raise my eyebrow.
"Isn't that a bit forward, Phillip?" I say, in a faked superior tone.
"You want dinner first?" He asks, smiling mischievously.
"I believe that's customary for other things. I think coffee suffices for flat sharing."
"So I'm paying, that's what your trying to say?" He says, his blue eyes alight.
"I'm glad we understand each other." I respond.
"Well, then I'll assume that means your answer is yes?" He asks, casting his eyes down and looking up at me through his eyelashes.
"That you will." I answer, unable to contain my gleeful smile.
After we order, there's another silence. Not for lack of things to say but for lack of wanting to break this perfect bubble of quiet we've created for ourselves.
"What happened when I left, Phil?" I ask after a while.
He hesitates, visibly unsure of how to respond.
"When your parents came home they called the police. There was a big search. They asked your friends-"
"They weren't my friends." I interject.
"Yeah, yeah. They asked them if they knew anything and they of course all said no. Nobody asked me anything, I guess no one knew."
Thinking about that was odd, Phil was right. No one knew about that night. Which seemed like the only important interaction I ever had in high school. And no one even knew it happened.
"Did you ever tell anyone about that day?" I ask quietly.
"No." He says softly. "I didn't want to ruin it. It felt like... If I said it out loud it might become less real..."
I smile.
"That was extraordinarily cheesy, wasn't it?" He asks, cringing.
"Yeah, it was." I laugh. "But I never told anyone for the same reason."
YOU ARE READING
If I Knew Then (Phan)
Fanfiction**Trigger Warning: Self Harm, Abuse, Alcoholism** Dan Howell and Phil Lester never got along. Mostly because Dan took out his horrid home life on the people at school and Phil happened to be an easy target. But when things take a turn fo...
