If I Knew Then (Phan)

Questions and Answers

Phil -

We crawled out of bed and clumsily made our way to the kitchen. It was the first time I'd actually been inside it. It looked slightly more used than the rest of the house, but still didn't look very lived in.

Dan went over to the cupboards, reaching up to get something. He still wasn't wearing a shirt and his tan skin stretched, making his hip bones even more prominent. I caught myself staring at him and quickly looked away.

"What are we eating?" I ask, trying to tear my mind away from his tan form.

"Cereal?" He asks, looking at me.

"Sure."

I got over to the kitchen stools and take a seat. He finally find the bowls he was looking for and sets them down on the counter.

He grabs the only box of cereal from the table and walks over to me. He pours the cereal into the bowls, grabs the milk, and sits down next to me.

"So anyway..." He starts, obviously uncomfortable. "Why did your father kick you out?"

"Uhh... Well he found out I wasn't at school."

"Did he not notice all the brusies?" He asks, surprised.

"I don't think it really mattered." I sigh.

"Oh." Is all he says, I suppose I wouldn't know how to respond either.

"So Dan, I know basically nothing about you."

"And likewise." He laughs.

"Well, if I'm staying in your house for the next few days I think we should remedy that." I say, sounding shyer than I'd meant to.

"And how do you propose we do that?"

"Well, ask me anything." I respond, hoping he doesn't ask anything I can't answer.

"Right.. Okay. Siblings?" He asks.

"Older brother. You?"

"None."

I try and think of something that I wouldn't mind answering, but everything seems either too unimportant or too important.

"Why do you hang out with them?" I finally ask, knowing I'm going to regret it because that means he gets to ask me a personal question.

Dan-

"Why do you hang out with them?" Phil asks, looking down.

I don't know what to say. I can't tell him the real reason. I could just give a vague answer and hope he doesn't ask about it...

"There's something about me... If they knew.... I'd get it worse than you. It scares me, I guess."

"But doesn't it bother you knowing that of your friends knew that thing about you, they'd hate you?" He asks.

"Good thing they're not my friends then." I respond, sounding cold.

"What's so bad that you pretend to like them, then?" He asks.

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell him. He'd hate me, too.

"I-I I'm.. I mean... I-" I stutter, not even managing to form a sentence.

Phil looks at me, obviously concerned, and places his hand on top of mine. I stare at his hand for a long time before looking up to meet his eyes.

"I-I'm ... I'm gay, Phil." I finally say. His eyes widen, but he doesn't say a word. He doesn't move his hand, which I guess is a good sign.

"Oh." Is his only response.

"I've.. Ah.. I've never told anyone that before." I whisper, my eyes not leaving his.

"Why not?"

"What do you mean why not, have you met the people at our school?" I say, exasperated.

"Yeah, Dan. I have, and up until yesterday you were one of those people. The ones you're afraid of now."

I nod, not even having any response.

He moves his hand and turns away from me.

"I don't understand how you could treat people like that, knowing your just as different as they are. Knowing they're just as afraid."

"I was scared." I whisper. He turns back to me sharply.

"You don't think I was?! You don't think I was terrified to walk into school. And because of you." He practically shouts at me. I shy away, sinking down into my chair.

"I know." I whimper.

He doesn't say anything and neither of us move for what seems like ages. It's then I see it. His sleeve has ridden up just a bit and I can see a long red line running down his arm. I know instantly what it is. The one I see is just a scar now, but I know there must be more.

My hand goes to my mouth and he looks confused for a moment before he follows my eyes to where I'm looking. His blue eyes widen in horror and I get up. Or, more accurately, stumble away form my chair.

I run, I run to the back out the house and into my room. I slam the door behind and I start hyperventilating. My head feels light and everything looks shiny. My hand goes to my leg, to the place I know the same type of marks that are on Phil's arm rest on my body.

Authors Note:

By the way, the age difference between them? I'm ignoring it. They are now the same age. Yeah? Yeah.