Take Me By The Hand

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It feels degrading and embarrassing and quite frankly, it's kind of rude. It's like he's undressing me with his eyes and no amount of covering up or cringing away is going to make it stop. Still, I shift under his scrutiny. Mikey continues to watch me. His lips are pressed into a flat line, his eyes narrowed slightly. A few long moments pass before he says anything. "Do you need a condom?"

My face flushes bright red. I hate Mikey, he's the worst friend in the entire world. "No, I don't need a fucking condom."

One of his eyebrows quirks in silent question. "Are you sure? You're probably going to need a condom."

Offended and even more embarrassed, I glower at him. When I'd asked him ten minutes ago if he would mind sharing a room with Ray, and in return letting Gerard room with me, I was sort of expecting "the talk." Still, it's not any less annoying. "Yes, I'm sure. Dude, I'm not having sex with your brother."

"Yeah..." Mikey nods slowly, only going along with it for a second before deciding I'm full of shit. "You're going to need a condom." Folding my arms across my chest, I shift on my feet again. "Look, it's weird," Mikey continues. "But I get it. If you want to have sex with my brother, then you have my permission. But you're going to need a condom."

"For the love of Pete Wentz, Mikey, I am not fucking Gerard!" Of course, that wasn't completely a lie. It was true that I was not currently, or had previously had sex with Gerard. But tonight I plan on changing that. Still, I was not giving Mikey the satisfaction of knowing he's right.

"I'm pretty sure Bert has condoms," Mikey says, choosing to ignore my arguments. "I'll ask him for one. You only need one, right? I should get more, just in case. You can't get pregnant again, right? You're already pregnant so having sex again can't like create more babies... Right?"

In all honesty, I hadn't thought of that. Can I get pregnant-er? Is that possible? Then I realize that it shouldn't have been possible to get pregnant in the first place and frown at Mikey. "Fine. I think I need a condom."

Now Mikey grimaces. "That's so gross. You and my brother... That's weird."

"We've already established it's weird," I point out.

"Well yeah, but this is even weirder." Mikey sighs, watching me carefully. "Like, I knew he liked you. But now you like him back. And now you want to sex him up. Like... You're like my brother. And he is my brother. That's like my brothers are fucking."

That kind of makes sense, and my frown deepens. "You're practically my brother, Mikes," I admit. "But Gerard is not. Gerard is like..." I pause, trying to think of some way to describe what Gerard is. I never saw him in a brother sense, but the other terms I can find don't explain it nearly enough. First he was a friend and then he was... Gerard. Just Gerard. My boyfriend? That seems like such a loose term to explain it, so informal. Childish, almost. I remember the way my heart used to race when I thought of Zacky as my boyfriend, the excitement and nerves, but the term doesn't fit Gerard at all. My lover? I cringe and sigh. "He's just Gee, you know?"

Mikey continues watching me, visibly trying to understand. Eventually he nods. "Yeah. I get it. But it's still kind of weird."

I simply settle with a shrug. I know he's right. In the days passed since my visit to the hospital, I've spent most of the time alone. I shut myself away in the bedroom Mikey and I shared, only letting him in at nights to go to sleep, and I always made sure to feign sleep before he came in. Real sleep didn't come easy anymore, but I didn't want Mikey to worry. Gerard had come in a few times to check on me, but my responses were half-hearted. I didn't want to see anyone. I spent the few days I had alone trying to make sense of everything. And, even if I hadn't come to much of a conclusion about the twins, I had decided what I would do about Gerard. I needed him and I was falling in love and yet I was blowing up like a balloon carrying two alien kids. I was already visibly showing and soon enough, I wouldn't be able to see my own toes. In just a matter of time, I would deliver them-- in a way to yet be decided-- and then what? Bob would go on about his life, finishing college and probably boasting about doctoring the first pregnant male. Ray would go back to whatever school he was attending, forgetting about my existence if not for the random memories all circulating around the aforementioned pregnancy experience. Mikey, Josh, and Bert had to go back home to their families and finish out whatever remaining years of High School. And Gerard... I didn't want to think about him leaving me, too, though I knew all too well that it was inevitable. He would go away to college in New York or Jersey and pretend like I'd never existed. If I was lucky, we would keep in touch for a few months, through text or phone calls, but even those would dissipate and eventually stop altogether.