Take Me By The Hand

I'm Just Fucking With Your Head

Gerard is nowhere to be found when I finally get the courage to emerge from the bathroom. My stomach is growling with the contents now removed and I have an itching for more coffee. I absently wonder what this "too much" limit Ray referred to was. Is there a such thing as too much coffee? When I wander downstairs, I find Mikey already sitting at the dining table. He's hunched forward over a steaming mug, untouched it seems, with his arms folded.

I sit down across from him, waiting for a few short moments before reaching across the table to poke him. Mikey jumps, looking up to meet my gaze with wide eyes. I try to hide my smile and quirk an eyebrow at him. "You okay?" I ask.

It takes him a second, but he nods and looks back down at his mug. It's odd to see Mikey so blatantly lying-- He's a freakishly good liar, a talent I don't think he's ever used on me-- and to see the confusion, the utter deception in his hazel eyes, makes me frown. Still, I remain silent until Mikey sighs, deciding on his own to break the tense air between us.

"I had sex with Ray," He states.

I'm taken back by his bluntness, but fight to keep my expression neutral. Still, a frown settles on my lips. "Eww what the fuck, dude? I've slept on that bed."

Mikey rolls his eyes melodramatically and gives me a deadpan look. "Not in my bed, dumbass." He heaves out another heavy breath. One of his fingers runs along the brim of his mug and he watches it with intense interest. "And not recently. It was a few months ago, back when Gerard and I went to see him during Christmas break." I vaguely recall the trip he's talking about-- My own parents had basically kidnapped me and forced me to go to my grandmother's house in Iowa for the holidays, while Gerard and Mikey went off to some college town without any parental figures at all. "His whole dorm threw his big party on Christmas Eve-- Everybody got hammered and the next thing I remember, I was waking up in bed next to Ray while Gerard stood at the door freaking the fuck out." He chuckles softly at the memory, and the image makes me smile a little too-- I can picture Ray and Mikey tangled in an array of blankets as Gerard looked on in animated horror at the sight. It was an amusing thing to imagine, but just as quickly, my smile falls. I bite down on my lip and study Mikey. He's still watching his coffee, seemingly oblivious to my gaze until I sigh heavily. He's admitting this to me, and I feel the sudden desperate need to blurt out my own heavy secret.

"I kissed Gerard," I state. I wait for a long time, but Mikey doesn't react at all. His finger still moves along the brim, his body posture the exact same. So I press on. "He kissed me first, but I kissed him back. And then... He said some stuff."

Mikey looks up at me then, raising a single eyebrow. "And did you say some stuff back?"

I bite down on my lip again and shake my head. I don't have to spell it out for him, for which I'm thankful-- Mikey knows exactly what I'm telling him. "No. I ran to the bathroom and threw up."

Mikey simply laughs, shaking his head. "I bet that really made him all hot and bothered."

I roll my eyes, smirking. "Shut up. Asshole."

Mikey only laughs again, before his face falls back into a serious expression. "So my brother likes you-- has for awhile, actually-- and he finally told you. And then you threw up... Because you don't like him back?"

I remain silent for a long moment, setting my gaze on the table before me. Mikey waits patiently until eventually I shrug. "I don't know," I admit. "I mean, he's your brother. It's Gerard. He's been here the whole time. I know he's not Zacky-- I think he actually cares about me. He helped me when Zacky didn't. But that's also the problem-- He's not Zacky. And I know you think it's stupid, but I just... I need time. I need to get my own fucked up life under control before I drag Gerard into it. I loved Zacky... I still do sometimes. And I'm having kids. I don't have a family anymore, or money or a place to live--" I abruptly stop talking when I feel the tears surging forward. I close my eyes tightly and take a deep breath. "I have to get my own shit sorted out. I need to focus on them--" I put a hand on my stomach, glancing down at the growing bump. "I don't want to drag Gerard into my shit."