Take Me By The Hand

For Tea

My legs feel weighted, full of lead and unwilling to move. My cheeks burn with the tears and the heat. I hate this. I hate all of this. I feel sick to my stomach and dizzy, but I push my legs on, forcing one step after another. I don't have anywhere particular in mind. Away is the only word that echoes in my head. I just want to get away.

I feel the phone in my pocket buzz and pull it free. Mikey's name flashes across the screen and I sigh-- He's going to be pissed. He'll start yelling at me, I left on his watch, and I can't deal with that right now. I want a hug, not a lecture. I silence the device and slip it back into my pants.

A few blocks away, I find a park. A vast field of grass lies out on one side with a few benches and a playground across from it. There are a few people, some playing with dogs or kids while others keep themselves occupied with a book, but for the most part it's empty. I claim a vacant bench that overlooks the playground and sit down, my eyes sweeping over the small children that run about, looking carefree and innocent. There's a girl on the slide, wiggling and bouncing up and down before descending and racing around to do it again. Her brown pigtails blow back in the wind and I begin wondering about the babies in my stomach. I could have a girl-- I could have twogirls. Or two boys. As I watch the kids on the playground, my eyes scanning over each one, I imagine what they'll look like, how they'll act. Perhaps I'll have two boys; They'll play together on the swings like the group I see now. Or two precious little girls, racing around and squealing.

I jump when the seat to my left is suddenly taken, a young woman sitting down next to me. She pulls a stroller up and smiles at the baby inside, pinching it's cheeks and plugging a pacifier in it's mouth. She glances up at me, catching me watching. I look away instantly, hoping not to be recognized. I can only imagine the hell that would break loose if someone saw me and realized I was the pregnant boy that's been broadcasted on the news for the past week. But the woman simply smiles warmly and nods to the children on the playground. "Which one's yours?"

"Oh..." I grimace, shaking my head. I realize I must look like some sort of predator just watching all of these kids. "Um... They're actually not born yet..." And that makes me sound even creepier.

But the woman doesn't seem to notice. She nods again, squinting her dark eyes against the sunlight pounding down on us. "They?"

I grin proudly. "Twins."

She fidgets with some stuff on the stroller, casting me a sideways smile. "Congrats." She sticks out a hand between us. "I'm Eva. This here is Amelie." I shake her hand and wave to the baby, who initially was all smiles, now begins crying. I flinch away, instantly scooting away on the wooden bench and away from the blaring sound. Did I do something wrong? All I did was wave! Apparently Eva can see all of this playing across my face because she chuckles as she pulls the baby free from the stroller. "Don't worry, it was nothing you did," She informs me. "Amelie doesn't really like strangers." She props the baby up on her shoulder, cooing and rubbing a hand over the child's back. The cries subside, replaced with sniffles, and then silence.

Amelie watches me with huge, brown eyes. Eva lets out another small laugh, shaking some auburn hair from where it falls over her face. "Don't look so scared, she won't hurt you."

I shift again and shrug, not really convinced. Seeing a baby in this close of proximity is kind of new to me; The closest I've ever been to a small child was when my cousin Tiffany had her kid when I was seven-- My mother sat me down on the couch and gently placed the baby in my arms. I was too scared to even move, but it started crying regardless and threw up on me. Being this close to a real, breathing baby is terrifying, even more so now that I'm expecting two of my own. She looks so fragile, tiny and breakable, and I have a sudden sick feeling in my stomach.