Take Me By The Hand

Pretty On The Outside

From the front, I look overweight. From the side, I look like a fucking blimp. Purple and white stretch marks cover my stomach and hips. Facing the mirror, I see when Gerard comes into the bathroom behind me. He stops and just watches me for a moment. I catch his gaze in the reflection. Then I point at the bathroom door. "Go away."

He quirks an eyebrow. "What are you doing?"

"I'm basking in self-pity, do you mind?"

He shakes his head, waves a hand in the air. "No. By all means, continue."

I sigh and turn to actually face him. "You think this is funny? Dude, my stomach looks like Freddy Krueger's face."

Gerard studies my stomach, then chuckles. "Yeah, it kinda does." He reaches out to stroke his fingertips across the indented stretch marks. "That doesn't really explain why you're glaring at yourself in the mirror. What's wrong?"

I frown at him. "Look at me, Gee."

"I'm looking," he says, and let's his eyes travel slowly up and down my body. "Frankie, you're thirty weeks pregnant. With twins! Of course you have stretch marks. They'll go away eventually."

"They will not!" I exclaim. I spin around to glare at my reflection again. I hate the image staring back at me. "I Googled it. Stretch marks don't just go away."

"But they'll fade." Gerard steps closer, resting his chin on my shoulder while his arms encircle my body. His hands rest on my stomach. "They're a reminder of what you've been through. Battle scars." His lips press against my neck, but his eyes come back to meet mine in the mirror. "You're amazing. Inside and out."

"Are you still going to think that after the twins come out?" I wonder. "I looked up pictures of people post-birth and it's frankly terrifying. Their stomach gets all saggy and it just kind of hangs there like a deflated balloon. Are you ready for that?"

Gerard rolls his eyes and says, "Someone really needs to take away your internet access."

"I'm serious, Gerard!" A blinding panic rushes over me suddenly and I have to blink away unexpected tears. "I'm disgusting! My body will literally never be the same after this."

"Hey, Frank." Gerard turns me away from the mirror. His hands cup my cheeks, fingers brushing in soothing strokes. Wiping away tears. He ducks his head to meet my eyes. Then he pulls me into a hug. The crying continues for a few minutes, with Gerard and I just clinging together desperately. When I start to calm down, Gerard pushes a hand through my hair. His lips are close to my ear when he says, "You're not disgusting. And you're right, your body might never be the same and you'll have those stretch marks for a long time, maybe forever. And that's okay. For every single stretch mark on your body, I could name something that I love about you."

I feel his hand on my stomach again, tracing the marks. Then he kisses me softly. "Your smile. You have such a pretty smile." Another stretch mark, another kiss. "Your laugh. The way it practically bubbles out of you." Then another mark and kiss. "And that's just the physical stuff. I love how sarcastic you are. And compassionate. You'd do anything for the people you care about."

I surge up to reconnect our lips. "You're so fucking cheesy," I tell him, but I'm smiling.

Gerard bumps his nose against mine. We stand like that in the middle of the bathroom, just swaying together, for a few more minutes before Gerard says, "Josh is leaving soon."

Sighing softly, I nod. "I don't want him to go."

"I know, and he doesn't want to leave," Gerard says. "But he has to."

"I know that. It still sucks."

Gerard simply hums in agreement. Then he takes my hand in his. I'm reluctant when he pulls me from the bathroom. We stop by the bedroom so I can get a shirt, but then we're moving down the hallway to find Josh. I hear his voice before we reach the door.

"Dammit, Bert. You just took a picture of your foot. Focus here!"

"I'm doing exactly what you said to do!" Bert argues. "I pushed the button and it flashed."

"You didn't turn the mode dial, shithead. You have to switch it from camera to video. We want the pictures you take to move, sweetheart. Like a little movie."

"I know what a video is, Joshua!"

"Don't raise your voice at me! It's not my fault you can't work a damn camera!"

I hear Bert sigh heavily. "This is stupid! It's fucking stupid, Josh."

I pause just outside the door. We're eavesdropping, sure. But I don't want to barge in just yet. It sounds like we're interrupting something.

"You should be the one doing this. You should be the one filming, not me. I just..." Bert sighs again, softer this time. It's almost not audible when he says, "I don't want you to leave."

There's a moment of silence and then Josh says, "I know, sweetie."

When I peek into the room, Josh has his arms wrapped around Bert. Their foreheads are pressed together, lips locked. My mouth falls open and I gape at Gerard, motioning to them. "Since when is this a thing?"

Gerard shakes his head, looking as surprised as I am.

Josh pulls away from the kiss, rolling his eyes toward the door. "I can hear you, Frankie. You can stop spying."

Sheepishly I inch into the room, Gerard following behind. "We were not spying," I tell them.

Josh scoffs.

"We were spying a little bit."

Josh chuckles, but he looks sad. He holds out his arms toward me and I do my best to hug him, but my bulging stomach prevents us from getting too close. Josh puts both hands on my stomach, talking directly to the twins when he says, "I'll be back as soon as you're born. Well maybe not as soon as you're born, because I do need to go to school, but like as soon as I can come back. And Frank," Josh moves his hands up to cup my cheeks. "I'm gonna miss you, Poptart."

Josh lets me cling to him for a few minutes longer. It's Bert who eventually steps forward, a frown in place. "We need to head out soon, if we wanna make it back to Jersey before dark."

Josh pulls away, swallowing hard. He nods. His eyes are wet, but so are mine. Wiping angrily at his tears, Josh forces a smile. "You call me as soon as the babies are here. I expect pictures and videos and for the love of god, Gerard, please help Bert work the camera."

And that's it. Bert and Josh grab a few bags and then they descend the stairs. Just like that, they're gone.

I watch from the window upstairs when Josh and Bert climb into the car. Josh waves one last time and I lean into Gerard's side, watching as they pull out of the parking lot and disappear around the corner.