Take Me By The Hand

xxx

"I can't pretend like this never happened," I bury my face in my hands. Tears are drying on my skin, but fresh ones are quickly replacing them. I sniffle and wipe the back of my hand across my eyes before returning to hiding my face, mumbling the words. Gerard leans in, trying to catch everything I'm saying, letting his hand rest on my lower back. "I can't believe he wants me to just abort. How can he even think like that? I mean, I didn't exactly expect him to be excited, but an abortion?" I look up at Gerard, feeling helpless. I need him to tell me what to do because my own thoughts are a mess of emotion. "What if he's right, Gerard?" I ask. "I'm sixteen. I can't be a dad. I don't even have a job. I'm not ready for this. What if Zacky's right?"

Gerard shakes his head sadly, watching me closely. "Frank, you're scared right now. I know that. But you have to try to think rationally."

"Rationally, I am a boy," I interrupt. "It's not supposed to be possible to be pregnant right now." I sigh, trying to calm the crying and think logically. "And rationally, I'm not ready for this. Rationally, I think Zacky is right."

Gerard shakes his head again, a more stiff gesture this time. He bites down on his lip and narrows his eyes. "If that's what you really want; Okay. I will take you to the clinic to get the abortion. But right now, I think you're an emotional train wreck. And that's rational. Anybody would be freaking out in your position." He tilts his head to one side. "So what do you want to do? It doesn't matter what Zacky is telling you or what you think rationality is telling you. What do you want?"

I don't say anything for a long time. What do I want? I want to go to before this entire thing started. I want to be in a normal relationship, before the testing and the potential cancer and the pregnancy. I want to be a normal freaking teenage boy who's biggest concern is passing Sophomore year and getting a car. But I know that I can't go back. I can't pretend that this never happened because it did.

Eventually, I look up at Gerard. The tears have stopped coming, a little bit of light coming through as the realization really occurs to me. My voice is thick when I sniffle one last time and say, "I want to keep it."

Gerard smiles down at me and nods once. "Okay."

"But how?" I demand. I stand up from my seat on the bed, pacing the room. This newfound knowledge weighs heavy on my mind; I want to keep the baby, but how? "I'm a kid, Gerard. How the hell am I supposed to raise a baby? And I doubt Zacky is going to be very helpful with that--"

My words cut off when Gerard stands as well. Both of his hands attach to my shoulders and my pacing is halted, staring deep into Gerard's eyes. "Because we'll help you," He says simply. "Mikey and Josh and me. We're here for you, Frankie. For anything that you need." But there's something deeper than the words. He's not making promises for Mikey or Josh, he's guaranteeing that he will be here. I nod silently and feel the serenity creeping up on me. His presence is calming to me and I'm reminded of the same peacefulness that I felt when he took me to the Medical Clinic the first time.

I inhale slowly, not taking my eyes from Gerard's. "I want you to tell me what happened in the bathroom," I say.

Gerard contemplates my request for a few seconds before turning around and moving back to the bed. He sits down quietly, scooting back and leaning against the wall. He keeps his eyes cast down, fingers picking absently at the fuzzies on the blanket. Cautiously, I join him, sliding onto the bed next to him and leaning against the wall as well. And then I wait.

After a long silence, Gerard speaks. "It was a few weeks after you started dating Zacky. I was running some errand for the teacher and I passed by the storage closet. There was this weird noise and the door was open a little, so I looked in." He pauses and my stomach drops. I know what he's going to say even before the low words leave his mouth. "Zacky had Syn pushed up against the shelf, tongue down his throat and hands down his pants." I close my eyes, trying to get the image out of my head, but it was too late. I could imagine it perfectly, those familiar lips on someone else, those hands tugging on someone else's clothes. The thought makes me feel sick and thankfully Gerard spares me the rest of the crude details, sighing. "When they looked up and saw me, I panicked. I was about to bolt back to class, but Zacky grabbed me and shoved me into the bathroom." His voice drops even lower, shame creeping into his soft words. "And then he came onto me. He pinned me against the wall and tried to kiss me. Told me that if I kept what I had seen to myself, he would 'make it worth my while.' I wanted to tell you, but Zacky said that it would just hurt you even more to know." He shrugs helplessly, looking dejected. "I should have told you anyway, but I thought maybe he was right. I didn't want to be the one to ruin your relationship-- You were happy. So I just stayed away from you like he said."