out of the blue | george clarkey

13; came out of the blue like that

the next morning i woke up and the bed was empty. i reached out and george wasn't there. i sat up, confused. had i dreamt last night? or did it really happen?

i pull my phone off the side and read the time 11:47. he didn't tell me he had any other plans today, so i was slightly confused as to where he was. i walk out into the living room and he wasn't there, but alex was. "afternoon" he says, a classic joke he makes every time he's awake before me. "piss off" i say. i want to ask where george is but i don't want alex to suspect anything. "how was staying at alice's?" i ask trying to make conversation with my brother. "it was nice. you know it's nice to actually spend time with people that love you" he points fun at my singleness. "ouch" i say back. "okay maybe too soon. but i have a couple single mates i could set you up with" he smirks, knowing i would rather die than date one of his friends. "umm, no thanks" i say. "i was just trying to make conversation but next time i'm not going to leave my room" i turn on my heels and head back into my room. i can't stop thinking about george. we had a very intimate moment last night, that meant a lot to me and he's just disappeared.
i had therapy today so i got changed pland headed over to my therapist's office.

"good afternoon" she welcomes me and i sit down. "so how are we feeling today?" she asks. "a bit weird actually" i respond. "okay, talk about it" "well, last night i gave something to george that i can never take back because i trusted him and in that moment it just felt right and like a good decision. but i woke up this morning and he had just upped and left" i explain. "okay and have you spoke to him about it?" she asks. "i tried to text him but he hasn't responded" "okay, maybe he had an emergency or maybe something came up. you shouldn't villainise him straight away, has he given you any signs to think he would be untrustworthy or like he didn't want to do that?" she asks. "no, but my brain just makes me think everyone will leave me" "well we need to retrain that brain!" she smiles, i half smile too. "i know. i think i really like him which is why i want to put in the work to not have my past relationships reflect on him. but i have seen progress, if this happened before i would've been crying and probably had a breakdown" i shrug. "exactly, you are improving even just in tiny doses. you're getting better i promise" she smiles at me. "listen when i say, trust him until he gives you a reason not to. he's not your ex, he's not your dad. he's not anyone else bad in your life. he's george and he deserves you to hear him out." she was right, he had given me no prior reason to think i'd upset him, he could've left for an emergency. "however, maybe make him aware you want clearer communication. maybe he could've left a note or text you to let you know where he was going. you're completely valid for wondering where he's gone and wanting answers but you just have to communicate that in the correct way" i knew she was right, i would've liked george to tell me where he was going to help settle my mind but he's not entitled to do that and i shouldn't villainise him for not communicating exactly how i want him to when i haven't even told him that.

"so you must really like him then?" my therapist smirks. "maybe" i blush. she laughs. "does he know that?" she asks. "no. well i guess we've told each other that want to be in each other's lives and that we think we like each other but not to what extent" i shrug. "i think his reaction to this will be very telling on how he feels" she explains and i nod. she's right, this will make or break us i think.

i head home and walk into the living room. i'm met with both alex and george, watching the football and i'm not quite sure how to play the situation. i make polite small talk and then decide to go shower. i left my phone behind by accident earlier when i went to my therapist, so i check it and to my surprise george has responded:

hey, i'm so sorry i didn't mean to just run off this morning. i heard alex come through the door and made it mission impossible style back to my room before he could spot us. then, arthur called me to go the gym so i went out with him but i'm sorry if i scared you i didn't intend on this morning going like that.

i hope you don't regret anything because i don't x

of course, my brain was just playing tricks with me again. there was literally nothing wrong, i muster up a response:

ahh, i wasn't expecting alex back so soon either tbh ahaha. but i'm glad you weren't trying to escape or run away as i don't regret anything😊 xx

i'm now beginning to realise sneaking around with alex in the house is going to be much harder than i thought. suddenly i jump at a knock on my door. i reach out to answer it, it was george. "hey" i smile. "alex has just jumped in the shower so i just thought i'd come see you" he says, hesitant to enter my room. "i did not realise how hard this was gonna be with my brother being here" i laugh. "i know, gotta keep an ear out for the shower now" george laughs. "i'd invite you in but..." i point at george stood in the doorway. "have you seen the itinerary for the trip this weekend?" george asks me. "trip,..?" i ask, waiting for it sink into my brain. "jack wills? south africa?" after the success of the ibiza house, jack wills wanted to send some influencers away on a winter- summer holiday so pushed the budget out to south africa. i was very lucky to be invited this time but had completely forgot as i hadn't check my calendar... again.
suddenly alex's door opens and he enters the living room. thankfully we were just talking, "i'll grab that toothpaste for you now, george" i say trying to make it seem more casual but ending up making the situation look even more weird. alex doesn't even notice us, too engaged in his phone and sits down on the sofa.

i grab george a spare tube of toothpaste from my cupboard and am then caught off guard by my phone ringing. it was my music producer, "hello" i answer, slightly confused as to why he was calling me. "did you forget?" he says, "forget what?" i laugh. "we had a session booked today!" he laughs back. "fuck! i didn't check my fucking calendar!" i say in part shock and part frustration. i see weird expressions from both alex and george looking my way. "i'm on my way now!" i say franticly grabbing my bag and jacket and head out the door.

i power walk to the tube and thankfully my journey isn't too far and i'm there within 30 minutes of him calling me. "hello, hello" he chimes as i walk in, hugging me. "i'm so sorry i'm out of the swing of things after my time off" i say, taking a seat. "yeah, how's things been?" he asks. dan, my producer has been with my since the start of my career i have never made music with anyone else and i don't think i ever will i trust him with my life at this point. "strange, but lots to write about" i smile. "oh yes, we love capitalising trauma" he laughs. "listen, if it's gonna bring me hell, may as well make some bangers out of it" i laugh as well.

we begin brainstorming and i'm sat at the piano, messing around with different chords. we're about an hour in and have decided to write a sad breakup song but i wasn't really feeling it. "dan, i'm just not sure about this" i say. "okay, what do you mean?" he asks. "i don't know, i'm just not really sad about the breakup anymore. i've kinda moved on" i say. "okay, tell me moreeee" he smirks and laughs. "well there's this boy" i blush. "it's all just happened so fast, like he literally just came out of the blue, like popped up out of nowhere and now he's all i can think about." i explain. "wait, out of the blue i like that. write it down" i say to dan and he does. i rush back over to my piano and play my piano out my loud, doing the exact chords i just had for the previous song we were doing.
i started playing and trialling different lines, "he came out of the blue" i sung. "no, i don't like that" i say, deep in concentration. dan now joins me at the piano and copies my chords. "how about... you came out of the blue like that" he sings and it goes so perfectly. "YES YES, i love that!" i get my phone out and make a voice recording of dan's playing.

(the chorus of this song is what i'm imagining they're writing (the blue by gracie abrams)- i might rewrite the verses to fit the story further down the line but the main chorus is the same)

i end up staying at the studio for 3 more hours and we finish the rest of the song and i'm really happy with it. it's one of the most natural feeling songs i've wrote in a long time and it also made me realise how much i'd missed writing.