wish // 5SOS

28

Charlie

Today had been boring. I did school work, all day, then Calum came home and he took me to the dentist. Being alone after yesterday was kind of a lot, so I was a bit quiet when we got in the car after. I dunno.

I still felt like shit, and I didn't wanna go to this art session.

"What do you fancy eating?"

"I dunno,"

"Pasta?"

"I dunno,"

"You did so well in there,"

"It's not that,"

"Oh,"

"I just wanna go home, Calum,"

"Nope. You are going to this art thing, it will make you feel better,"

"I thought good grown ups were meant to listen to you,"

"They do, and they also do what they think is best for you,"

"Can you come in with me?"

"Yeah, I will sit with you,"

"Okay. I would like pasta,"

Moodily, I leant against the door as we drove to a restaurant, Calum trying to lift my spirits with singing along to the radio. Personally I was not gonna do that. I didn't wanna go to this art thing.

I didn't wanna think about my past at all.

When we got to the restaurant, I tried my best to be happy because I was super grateful that Calum was paying for me to eat out, but honestly, making me go to this thing was the first time Calum had done something that stressed me out. I didn't like him for it.

For the first time ever, I had felt listened to, but not about this. I didn't get a choice in this and I didn't like not having a choice. I felt like he was betraying me a bit, even thought I knew I had agreed to come initially. Another first, since I had been pregnant at least, was that I had lost my appetite. I barely ate, and Calum got it boxed up for me before we left. I couldn't help but scowl when we got in the car. Not physically at him, but he knew it was at him.

"I am not doing this to be mean,"

"Whatever,"

"I'm not. I know this isn't easy but I am here to support you, not hurt you or upset you,"

"This hurts and upsets me,"

"And I am here to support you. Sometimes things that make us feel better in the long run really suck in the moment,"

"I don't wanna go,"

"The doctor said you are too stressed, and if you don't want to try therapy then please at least try this,"

"You aren't feeling like my grown up,"

I turned away and he left it at that, driving us to the hospital. I wasn't gonna fight him or anything going inside, but I was gonna give him the silent treatment. I spoke a lot, it would be noticeable that I stopped. For how long, I hadn't decided yet.

We went to a room with some other people in, and a bunch of art stuff, then Calum told me where to sit and sat next to me, trying to hug me. I pushed him off.

After being on my own for so long, I was perfectly happy to ignore anything that had happened in the past. It was all lonely and depressing and I just wanted to enjoy my new life. Reflecting wasn't gonna make me less stressed, it was gonna make me more stressed.
The people running it were rambling on but I wasn't listening. All I could think about was anger towards Calum, and how that was a new feeling which was uncomfortable to me.

People started chatting, and painting, but I just stared at my canvas. Apparently they wanted us to think about things that comforted us, and I would have done about Calum today, but now I was mad.

"What are you thinking?"

I turned away from him and looked at the floor; like I said, silent treatment was my skill. For a while, I stayed like that, until one of the leaders came round to speak to me.

"Charlie, right?"

"Yeah,"

"It's nice to meet you,"

I stared at them blankly and Calum rubbed my back, but I pushed him off.

"If you don't like painting then we have clay, or pencils, or basically anything,"

"I don't have any comforts. It was Calum but not anymore,"

"Why's that?"

"He made me come here,"

"Is this quite a mew experience then?"

"I don't want to talk,"

"That's why we do art,"

"I don't want to do art. He broke my trust,"

"How?"

"He is meant to be my grown up. I liked his home and I didn't have to think about my bad homes but now if I do this I have to think about my bad homes and everything I missed out on,"

"It is definitely not easy, but sometimes even if we think we aren't thinking about a past event, our body still remembers it. Sometimes finding a creative way to cope can help our body be less stressed,"

"I don't care if my body remembers, as long as I don't think about it all. I am gonna go to the bathroom,"

I got up and left, then found the toilets and locked myself in there. I peed, then just sat there, until the end of the session, and waited outside the toilets for Calum. He looked really disheartened but I didn't care. Breaking my trust was bad.

I followed behind to the car and got inside, then looked away from him, my chest starting to hurt. I didn't like being mad, but I could feel myself withdrawing. This was scary for me too, though. The last thing I wanted was to make him mad or upset but he had done it to me first.

"Thank you for giving it a go... I think the fact you are so upset might show that we do need to figure out a way for you to process everything... do you think?"

I shook my head.

"I think so," he said calmly, "Would you rather go to a one on one therapy session?"

Again, I shook my head. I didn't need this right now. I didn't need to be thinking about feeling abandoned, and bullied, and how I was never welcomed in any previous home. I know I had coped badly in the past but I wasn't gonna do that again, I wasn't gonna turn out like my mum.

"What about music therapy? Or me and you go together! Or group therapy thats not got anything creative,"

I shook my head to them again and started to cry, but I made sure to face away and I didn't let him touch me. This felt worse than Ally looking me up and down.

"I know I seem horrible, but you need some guidance, and you need to be able to process some of the things that have happened. We will go home now and hopefully when you wake up, you feel better,"

Without me saying anymore, he started the car and drove us home. When we got there, I went upstairs to bed and shut my door, which I usually left open for him to say goodnight. He knocked, but I didn't call him in so he didn't, he just slipped a note to say goodnight under the door.

And I just turned over and let the tears stream down my face, because I didn't feel like I had a grown up anymore.