wish // 5SOS

29

Charlie

Maybe I was a little too good at silent treatment.

I hadn't spoken to Calum for two days, and it wasn't even making me feel good anymore but I was in too deep. He was sad. I was sad. I had fucked up another home and now I was waiting to be told he hated me and didn't want me to live here forever anymore.

Even though it was my fault and my choice, it was making me sick with anxiety and I hadn't done any school work. It should be easy to talk to him but it wasn't. I didn't hate him for taking me to the art thing anymore but I still felt misunderstood and I was worried about trusting him as my grown up again. I didn't trust people a lot, and he hadn't listened to me. I was starting to wonder if that was what all grown ups did.

Maybe I didn't know they were meant to push you out of your comfort zone and make you do things you hated even if it might be good. That seemed silly. I thought they were meant to go along with what you felt and thought and help you get there. Surely it couldn't be both. That was too confusing.

We had just eaten food, and I did kind of want to tell him it tasted really good, but that was a silly thing to say as my first sentence. That was another issue. I didn't even know what to say. I felt awful. He looked like he hadn't slept. What if he hated me now? Maybe he was gonna hate me if I spoke and wish I could be silent again. My mum always wished I could be silent and thats why I was so good at it.

"Axel is coming round," he said quietly, "Then I thought maybe we could make cookies,"

I kept my head down and picked at the skin round my nails, which were already red from the last couple of days.

"Are babies okay?"

I nodded.

"Is their mum okay?"

I nodded, again.

He cleaned up around me, then there was a knock on the door and he answered, Axel coming into the kitchen behind me. He wrapped his arms round me and shook me gently, then grabbed my hand and took me upstairs.

We went into my room and he stopped, seeing the state of it, then cleared space on my bed for us both to sit down.

"Heard you're not talking,"

"Nope,"

"And why is that?"

"I don't know anymore,"

"Come here," he sighed, bringing me in for a hug, "What started it?"

"Calum made me go to this art therapy thing,"

"Ahh,"

"I don't wanna think about my past,"

"Trust me when I say I know how you feel. Having to relive things you want to keep tucked away is one of the hardest things to do, but please also trust me when I tell you it does get better, it does get easier, and that we are gonna be able to live freely,"

"I completely shut down. I told him no, and he took me, and I freaked out, and it's gone too far,"

"He wont hold it against you,"

"How do you know?"

"When someone you care about shuts down like this, you just want them to be okay. When they start to open up again it's relief, not anger,"

"You know so much,"

"Ally used to do it to me,"

"Does therapy really help that much?"

"Yeah. It takes time and effort. When I was around bit younger than you, I got called to court to be a witness for my cousins getting put in jail. I lived with them almost my whole life, and I fucking hate their guts, I really do. I had been in therapy before then, but it really broke me down having to go and do that. Now, I can talk about it. I still feel sad sometimes, and I don't actively try and talk about it, but I don't go punching walls and people anymore so that is a win,"

"I hate thinking about it all,"

"It isn't easy,"

"I feel so horrible for doing this to Calum,"

"He will understand. Why don't I tidy your room while you go and have a hug,"

"Thanks, Axel,"

"Anytime," he said, kissing the top of my head, "We have to stick together,"

I climbed off my bed and went downstairs, hoping he was right about how Calum round react. He was sat on the sofa, so I sat beside him , chewing on my thumb.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

His eyebrows softened and his lips turned downwards, his shoulders slumping too. A weird noise escaped his mouth and he hugged me, rubbing my back.

"Are you mad at me?"

"No," he said, "I am relieved,"

"Okay. Good. I was really mad about the art thing and I shutdown, and I am not even that mad anymore, but I didn't know how to talk to you,"

He kissed my forehead, then moved the hair from my face and felt my cheek, and near my collarbone.

"I am not sick,"

"I wanted to make sure,"

"Can I still stay?"

"Of course you can, honey. Talk to me, tell me what's wrong,"

I explained the same thing to him as I had said to Axel, and he listened, and made sure I knew he was listening by nodding along. I got a bit tearful, but let him wipe them this time. His eyes were really easy to make eye contact with, because they were kind, and I could immediately feel myself relaxing now I was communicating with him again. I guessed it had kind of felt like I was walking on eggshells for a few days.

"I am really sorry that it feels like I wasn't thinking about you. That was never my intention, and I still stand firmly by the idea that you need to talk to someone, but we can try a different way,"

"Whatever Axel did,"

"Alright," he said, "Are babies okay?"

"Yeah,"

"Good. Give me another hug,"

I did, closing my eyes as I rested in his shoulder. I had almost forgotten how much I loved his hugs.

"Are we friends again?"

"Yeah," he said, "Best friends,"