I'm Sorry // 5sos sister

17. Going Home and Cuddle Time

"Guys she's waking up again, give her a little space." I heard steps shuffle back from my bed as I fought to open my eyes.  My eyes fluttered open and I took in the room around me.  The memory of the hospital and having another panic attack flooded into my mind.  I sat up and wrapped my arms around my eyes to calm myself down.  I took numerous deep breaths until my heart rate went back to normal.

I looked around and saw the boys, Brenna, and Sam standing against the far wall.  They all seemed so worried and I couldn't stand that they felt like this because of me.  I buried my face into my knees.  

"Hey guys can I talk to Jess, alone?" I heard Ashton say to everyone.  I heard the footsteps as everyone else left the room but Ashton slowly came over to me.  He grabbed a nearby chair and sat next to my bed.  

"Hi." I managed to mutter out as I turned my head towards him.  I tried to give him a small smile but my lips didn't move.

"Jess, why didn't you tell me before?" He asked as he looked towards me.  I saw the tears building in his eyes so I looked away. "What happened that made you do this?"  My breath hitched when he said that.  I have never told anyone the full story of why I was depressed and I cut.  I guess now was the time, with my brother.

"So.. when I was 8, I was the biggest girl my age in the orphanage and I knew that.  Some of the older girls always made fun of me because of my size.  I didn't really know why at that age so I just kind of brushed it off and I stayed in my room most  of the time just reading books and listening to music.  Then, when I was about 11, it got a lot worse.  They would call me all types of names and I felt like no one liked me.  That's when I went into a major depression and I spent almost every night crying or cutting.  I never got much sleep because I was afraid the girls were going to do something to me while I was sleeping.  Some of the younger girls were nice to me because they were bullied too, but we never had long conversations because they were scared they would get in trouble for talking to me.  Ever since then I've just always been depressed."  I realized I had been crying when I saw the droplets on the sheets.  I looked over to Ashton and saw he was in tears also.  

"Jess, I had no idea, I'm so sorry.  I should have been there for you sooner."  Ashton wrapped me in a hug.  He pulled away after a little while and sat back into his chair.  I saw in his eyes that he wanted to tell me something.  He always got this look when he wanted to say something, he'd constantly lick his lips and fiddle his fingers.  

"Ashton tell me." I said as I grabbed his hand in mine.  

"Jess, did you ever notice how many bracelets I wear?"  I shook my head no and then glanced down to see his wrists covered in numerous bracelets.  I never really noticed because I thought they were just from fans or something.  "I wear them because I have scars too."  My eyes widened when he said that.  He started to take off his bracelets and I saw the white scars on his slightly tanned skin.  

"Ashton, I never thought, but, do the other guys know?" I asked as I traced my fingers over his scars.  He shook his head no and I looked back up into his eyes.  I promised him I wouldn't tell as he put all of his bracelets back on.  There was a knock on the door and Ash and I quickly wiped away our tears and Ashton stood up to open it.  The doctor walked in and looked over my chart.

"Alright Jess, you are free to go home.  Next time you feel like harming yourself, please talk to somone first." He said and then left the room.  Sam and Brenna came back in and sat with me.  They both hugged me and helped me to stand up to get changed back into my normal clothes.  Once I was done, we walked back out into the hallway where the guys were waiting.  Calum and Luke grabbed my hands and led the way out of the hospital.  I finally get to go back home.

~~~~later that night~~~~

"Alright I think it's time for house cuddles with Jess!" Michael yelled to the other guys as he sat down next to me on the couch and wrapped one arm around my shoulder.  The other guys came sprinting into the room and Calum quickly took the other seat next to me before anyone else could.  He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me into him making Michael remove his arm from around me.  Mikey and I giggled at how protective Calum was being.  

"He sure is a cuddly koala bear." Mikey whispered to me as Calum buried his head in my neck.  I gave him a thumbs up to say yes and we went back to watching TV.  Ashton was sitting in front of me and I ran my fingers through his curly locks as he turned around and gave me his signature smile with his dimples showing.  I poked one of his dimples and he laughed then turned back around.  I looked over to see Brenna and Luke cuddling on the recliner both asleep.  I poked Mikey and told him to get them a blanket.

"Hey Sam, want to go up to my room so we can sleep?" I asked her and she nodded as she stood up from her place next to Ashton.  I unwrapped myself from Calum and slowly got up not to disturb him.  Michael scooted into my spot that way Calum didnt fully fall onto the couch and wake up.  Yeah, he falls asleep really quick.  I waved to the guys and climbed up the stairs with Sam.  I jumped into my bed as Sam grabbed the blankets and pillows out of my closet and made a bed on my floor.

"Night Sam."

"Night Jess."

**** Wow that was really long but I hoped you liked it :) please vote and comment it would be awesome :) ****