I'm Sorry // 5sos sister

46. Explaining

"Is she awake?" I heard Ashton say as I woke up and tried to move and then remembered that I was in the hospital connected to a bunch of machines.  I looked around the room to see all of my friends and my brother standing as close as the doctor would let them.  I was still in critical condition so they weren't allowed to be too close to me.  I also had my phone taken away from me.  They didn't want me to search for the hate about me and want to commit suicide again.  I wish they had just let me die.  My stupid door couldn't keep them out.  

"Hi."  I whispered as I kept my gaze down.  I didn't want to look them in the eyes, I knew they were going to be mad or dissapointed or sad.  I hated when people felt sorry for me, it just felt weird to me.  I played with my hands until the guys left and Sam and Brenna were left standing a few feet in front of my bed.

"Jess, I knew it was bad, but I never thought..." Brenna trailed off with her words.  I looked up at them and saw that they were both crying.  I tried to explain but no words came out of my mouth.  They were my best friends, I couldn't just explain that I wanted to leave this place because I hated it.  I kept quiet and watched as they both left the room without saying another word to me.  

I guess they had all decided the order that they were going to come inside because Luke stepped inside next.  "Hey Jessie."  Luke said with a small smile.  I smiled back at him the best I could and patted the spot on the bed next to me.  I waved the nurses off and told them that I would be fine.  He pulled a chair up next to me and looked at me, waiting for me to say something.

"I'm so sorry Luke.  I just wanted it to be over.  I had thought about it a few times and then just seemed like the perfect time to me.  I kind of wish that you guys hadn't come in when you did..."  I trailed off.  I saw Luke's face turn from sadness to complete astonishment.  He grabbed one of my hands in both of his and softly rubbed it.  Luke was like another older brother to me.  He helped me when Ashton couldn't.  He got up and kissed the top of my head before saying a quick goodbye and leaving the room.  

 Calum walked in and immediately took the spot right next to me in the chair.  "Ok so I have a question, pizza or chicken nuggets?" Calum said as he looked at me while trying to fight a laugh away.  I tapped my chin while thinking about the hard question that I was presented with.  

"Pizza for sure.  You can put toppings on it so that's what makes it the better decision."  I said as I laughed a little bit, which caused my stomach to hurt but I didn't care.  Calum laughed along with me until he was told he had used up his time and said a quick goodbye giving me a kiss on the cheek as he left.  

There was only one person left, and he was the person I was most afraid to see right now.  From what I had been told he was the one that tried to resucitate me and keep me alive.  He was also the one to break into my room and find me on the bathroom floor.  Ashton stood in the doorway for a minute before he came and laid next to me in the bed.  I made room for him and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders pulling me into him, being careful of the many wires and tubes and my IV.  We both got into a comfortable position and just layed there for a while in each other's arms.  

"Jess, why?  I just need to know why."  Ashton said as he took one of my hands and wrapped it in his.  I took a deep breath and sighed.

"I told you about all of the stuff I had gone through at the orphanage and then when everyone found out I was your sister I got a lot of hate and then when I became Michael's girlfriend it just became worse.  Some girls were happy to know that you guys would love a girl with scars but then others thought it was stupid and that you should be dating hot models.  It just hit me really hard, worse than ever before.  I mean, I've had suicidal thoughts before but they were becoming more frequent.  I couldn't stop them so I just decided that I wanted to end it.  Michael calling me those things back at the house that night just set me off.  I knew I would try and I didn't succeed."  I explained to him.  When he started to cry he tucked himself into my side and sobbed into my gown that I was wearing.  The nurses and doctors tried to tell him to leave but I made them all leave.  I wrapped my arms around him and we both laid in silence before falling asleep. 

*** UPDATE YAYAAYYAAYYAYAYAAYAYAYAY I was told to update and yeah so comment and vote and tell your friends about this story if you like it and yeah :) ***