i sleep naked ➸ larry stylinson

thirty eight

Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders

the room smelled like hamburgers.

he hated it. he hated that it smelled so bad and he hated everything and he wanted to just cry.

was it the fact that the lights of this fast food restaurant shone so brightly it caused his head to throb? maybe, but now he was sitting on a hard stool and his phone was floating, taunting him in his glass of coke. he grimaced at it, pushing it away despite the confused glances he got sent his way by nearby strangers. he felt disgusting, he felt so gross and his chest felt like their were knives stabbing in it.

"no, no no no no," he whispered, rubbing the back of his neck and squeezing his eyes shut, trying to remember why he was happy before this. why was he ever happy?

harry was hurting, he was hurting so bad and the one person in the world he cared about the most was the cause.

his giggle, his wonderful musical laugh, it was so clear over his phone. but it wasn't caused by him. it was caused by louis' new friend, the friend with smoky brown eyes and plush pink lips. the friend that added harry on facebook the minute louis had told him about harry.

his name was mitchell. he had this shaggy black hair that harry could never sculpt his wild curls into and these brown eyes that harry could never compete with. his eyelashes were a mile long; harry could just imagine louis staring at them, admiring them without a single lingering thought of harry, not even in the back of his mind.

it had been four months since harry had seen louis in person, but it felt as if had been a lifetime. harry found himself crying just when he saw a pair of vans in his closet or even the sun.

the skype calls used to be every night, and louis would tease him across the screen, his blue eyes sparkling despite the grittiness of the screen and the darkness of his dorm room. there was so much fond in his eyes, so much love and care and harry would feel his heart just swell every time he saw that bright smile that was reserved just for him. he would squirm under the laptop on his thighs, feeling his hand ache for louis'.

that ache in his heart was always there. it was a constant reminder that louis was gone at uni, having a laugh with his new friends and winning every football game he played. but soon, that ache in his heart was everywhere, it was in his stomach, especially.

he was beginning to believe that this was all his fault. he was the reason that louis was beginning to forget about him. it was his fault that he was so heartbroken about all of this in the first place.

he should've known the first day he saw louis, when he was the danger that was buried deep beneath his pale blue eyes, that he was going to get hurt. he was going to get rejected, louis was going to leave and take part of harry with him. he took his laugh with him, he took harry's laugh and his self confidence and his heart. 

harry stood up, feeling his eyes flutter shut for a moment as his tiredness swept over him. he hadn't had a proper night's sleep since louis left. his pillow still smelled so painfully like louis, and it shouldn't have been painful because louis said that they were still together, that he still loved harry.

harry believed him, but that was when louis was so kind and good to him, when louis grabbed his hand when they were walking and when he kissed him until he was breathless. when louis traced nonsensical patterns on his back when they would lay in harry's bed when he got home from school.

"i love you," louis would whisper randomly, cupping harry's cheek with his small hands and staring into his eyes, a little smile on his lips. he looked so freaking beautiful then; his jawline perfect and his eyelashes brushing lightly against his cheeks when he blinked.