The Fish Song

Some Kind of Disaster

     I woke up from what felt like a never-ending dream. My body in panic mode. I was overheated and felt like running. This happened a lot. I would wake up in cold sweats and not sure what was happening. This is when I meditated. I wasn't the best at meditation but it always calmed me.

     I slowly peeled my body from the mattress and opened the curtains and the window. I sat down crossing my legs and closing my eyes. Just listening to the sounds that came through the window. I wasn't sure how long I was sitting there but I was pulled out of it as my phone went off. I scrambled to my feet and reached for my phone, reading the name that flashed across my screen.

     Christian. My brother.

     "Hey, Chris. What's up?" I asked surprised to hear from him.

     "I just wanted to ask how last night went. Did you succeed yet?" He asked laughing at me. Of course, he was going to call to make fun of me.

     "Did you not talk to mom?"

     "No. You know how she is. So tell me. Tori said there was something on, what Instagram? But I have no clue what that means."

     "Dude! It was way better than I thought it would be. And Harry said Gabby's name a lot," I told him recalling memories from the night before.

     "So a celebrity knows of my daughter. I'm locking the doors right now."

     "Shut up. You can't tell her though!"

     "I know I know. I just wanted to see what was going on. You coming home now?" I couldn't help the slight groan that left my mouth.

     "No. I want to keep going. I told mom that and she kind of freaked out but I don't care. I need to do something for me." I explained to him. I was hoping he would understand. We always got along pretty good and he and his wife Tori were usually the ones supporting me.

     "Good I'm glad. Give him hell," he said, talking about Harry. It was my turn to laugh. He usually knew how to make me feel better.

      "Thanks, I'll try. I'm headed to D.C. today but I have a day before the next show so I think I'm going to go see the sights."

     "Sounds like a plan. I'll let you go. I love you, Sis."

     "I love you too." I went to hang up the phone but Chris continued before I could.

     "Hey DJ?"

     "Yeah?" I asked, bringing the phone back to my ear.

     "Be brave," he said and hung up. He knew I struggled to be brave. I was a disaster, continually, over and over, and everyone around me knew it. I wasn't sure how to be brave but all I could do was exist and not let anything from my brain stop me. I needed to be more open to life happening, and not keep pushing it away. At this point, I felt like I was just drilling it into my head and not doing it. I got up and walked to the bathroom.

     "Now listen here, you little shit," I started pointing at myself in the mirror, "I know you have been through a lot in your life, but you can't let that stop you from living. You can't be scared to open up and let people in. Stop being so guarded and insecure. No one is going to come around until you let them. I am proud of you for making it this far, that was a big step, but you have to go further. You hear me?" I was talking to myself again but at this point, I didn't care. No one could see me and It was for a good cause. "Do you hear me?" I asked again, just being ridiculous now.

      "Yes, I hear you, geesh."  I looked up, answering myself. I quickly stripped down and got in the shower. I didn't have anything else to say. It was up to my brain to give up control now.