The Fish Song

Falling Cardigan

      "Match all the moods to the color of your nails. There's not much I can do, you're the wind beneath my sails," for the second time this month I was on my bed with my guitar. I made it home last night, the whole time I was driving I was thinking about Harry and Nicole. Together. I fell asleep with tears in my eyes, but I woke up with a song in my head and I just had to get it down.

     "Sugar rush, you're so sweet I've been losing all my teeth. Curly boy, eyes so green, you're the sound when angels sing." It was silly but it didn't matter, I knew every song or anything I wrote about from now on would remind me of him. There will be a piece of him in everything I do.

     "Bakery Boy, oh I adore you. Just how you are never conform you. Baby honey you're so golden you see. Never knew one, quite like our harry. Life without him'd be awfully scary. He's a vision rolled up in a daydream. And oooo, I'll never find another like you. And oooo, the world and I, we don't deserve to." I put my guitar down and threw my head back with a sigh. I didn't know what I was going to do next but I knew I needed to get out of this hole. It wasn't something I wanted to be in and as much as my head led me to think otherwise, I deserved to be out of the dark. My body shot up to the sound of knocking on my door.

   "Yeah?" I said. The silver door handle began to lightly turn as a small face peaked in.

     "Hey babe, how did you sleep?" I asked her, seeing the light shining from her eyes.

     "Great! How did you sleep?" Gabby began to walk closer to me rubbing her eye with a balled up fist. A folded piece of paper present between her clinched little fingers.

     "Okay," I lied. "What do you have there?" I asked her, pointing to her hand. And she began to giggle.

     "I went and saw Uncle Harry last night for my birthday!" She said, excitedly to me, as if I didn't know, which caused me to chuckle.

     "I know love, and how was it?" I was excited to hear everything from her point of view.

     "Harry gave me something," she said and my eyes went wide.

     "Oh he did? And what is it?"

     "A letter," she said, wagging her eyebrows up and down. This wasn't something I noticed last night, so when did he give her a... letter?

     "Really?" That must have been the piece of paper in her hand.

     "Yes," she said. She brought her hand towards me, unclenching the paper. "For you." I looked down on the letter and as it started to lightly unfold from the release of pressure, I could just make out my name written on the front. Dakota Jade.

     "Harry gave you this?" I asked her, while I stared at the letter in her hand. Afraid to even touch it. She nodded her little head up and down. I gently moved my hand forward grabbing just the edges of the letter with my thumb and pointer finger. "And daddy told me when I gave it to you to leave, so bye." She said running towards the door.

     "Wait, don't-" I started but she was already gone. I didn't want to read this letter, let alone read it by myself. What could it possibly say? I was terrified to find out. I honestly had no idea. I swallowed down the bile that was threatening to come up. I wasn't sure what was wrong lately but I had been losing my stomach contents a lot more than normal. I just decided I wouldn't worry about it and I would just chalk it up to nerves and anxiety. I lightly grabbed the corners of the paper and began to unfold it. I got it fully open and my eyes widened in shock. I wasn't sure what I was expecting but this wasn't it.

     "My Sunflower," I read out loud. My mouth moved up into a curve as I continued to read. I knew he was my home but everything in his letter made me realize, I was his too. I continued to read the letter from the man I love and it just made me realize how wrong I was. As much as I wanted to believe he had moved on, neither of us were being granted that luxury. He was right, our souls were meant to be together. As much as I knew he was right a small part felt like I was still not allowed to have him. I wanted that part of me to just shut up. But I couldn't shut it off. He says I am his place to go, and all I wanted was to go to him. But I knew I couldn't. I couldn't drag him down with my past. I didn't understand why he loved me. How could he. I didn't love me. He was wrong. I wasn't strong enough to push through it. It constantly sat front and center in my mind.