The Fish Song

Dear Insecurity

                                                                                                                                               07/31/2020

 H-

     I don't know why I am writing this. You'll never see it. I'm not going to send it. But it feels nice to feel like I am talking to you. I've missed talking to you. I missed lying in your arms and just listening to you breath or counting and tracing each of your tattoos. These past twenty-one days have been some of the saddest of my life, which is saying something for me. (We won't get into that right now) I have been in this weird space of not wanting to leave my room. That isn't really any different from before I met you but somehow it feels different. I feel alone, more than before. For once in my life, when I was with you I didn't feel alone. Even before we knew each other. It was like the moment I seen you walk on stage, something changed. I'm not sure why I never felt it before when we were both younger and I would see your face everywhere I looked. Maybe it was because I was never breathing the same air as you or maybe because it wasn't the time I needed you most. I'm not sure, but what I do know is it was like the minute I walked away a piece of me was torn out and left with you.  

     Now things that bothered me before, don't, and the things I loved, hurt. My mom barges in my room, I don't care. Gabby comes to see me but all she wants to do is talk about "Uncle Harry", and it hurt to even hear your name. I didn't want anything to do with anyone. Then to top it off I got a big "I told you so," from my mother. It was my own fault. I knew it was going to happen, and I didn't care at the time. At the time it was nothing more than friends. I let my worst fear happen. Falling. I knew I was going to fall for you. What I didn't expect was to fall so hard or for you to fall for me too. It was a surprise to me. I didn't think anyone would want me the same way I wanted them. But there you were. Arms open wide and ready to catch me, even if I wouldn't let you. I truly wish I let you. 

     I wish it was easier for me. I wish I was able to tell you the way I feel and why. I thought if I told you every last bit and you didn't want anything to do with me after, that it would hurt. But now I realize nothing hurts worse than leaving you. Nothing hurts worse than the thought of seeing you with another. Nothing hurts worse than not being next to you, not hearing your laugh, not feeling your skin on mine. I realized that all along it wasn't the fear of you pushing me away that I was scared of but actually the fear of saying it all out loud, to myself. Opening myself up that much for not only someone else to see inside but for myself to peek in right along side you, that scared me. I am scared of myself.

     Like I said, I don't know why I am writing this, you'll never read it. Maybe it's the fact that I am currently sitting on a flight to Florida and the last time I was on a plane, it took everything in me not to cry in front of strangers. My friends in Florida tried everything to get me out of bed, the only thing that finally convinced me was the suggestion of coming to see them. So here I am flying to meet three people I have never met before in person and reliving the thoughts and feelings I have had over the last three weeks. 

     I'm not sure if this letter helped me or not but maybe I can start to realize that maybe it wasn't anyone's fault. Maybe it wasn't our time? No matter how bad I wanted it to be, I guess I need to figure out who I am before we both fall further than we can get back up from. I just need you to know that even after everything I have done to you, I do love you. With all that I am, with all that I have, and with all that I'll ever be. You are my person, even if I don't get to have you.

                                              x DJ