The Fish Song

July 10th

      I knew it was over. I couldn't continue to hurt him and drag him down with me. My choice was made before I even said it. "I think it will just be better if I'm not here when you get back," I let slip out of my mouth before I knew what I was doing. There was no going back. My heart broke on every word. Harry's head flipped back in my direction.

     "What are you saying?" He asked from where he stood in the doorway. I could hear the fans screaming in anticipation for his arrival. I could see the pain that was in his eyes. I was sure it was the same pain that was in mine. All I could do was look at him. All of my words were gone. Tears began to fall from my eyes. I hated him seeing me cry, but I didn't care anymore.

     "Harry you have to go. Now!" The crew member yelled above the screaming. Harry turned his head towards him nodding before turning to look back at me.

     "Just stay here until I get back please," he said desperation in his voice. I looked down at my feet. I felt like my whole body was shaking and I couldn't bring myself to look at him. "DJ, I love you," he said, as he turned and ran for the stage. That was the first time either of us had admitted it. I knew now I really did have to leave. I didn't deserve his love. He was too good for me. He didn't even know me. He deserved someone who could give him better than I could. I knew he would be the only one I would ever love but that was just another thing for me to carry. He didn't need to carry me any more. He didn't deserve that.

     The door shut behind them and I couldn't hold the panic back anymore for the second time tonight, but this was a different kind of pain. My heart took over and my legs decided they couldn't hold me any longer. I collapsed onto myself as the streams of hot liquid began to fall from my eyes. He had done so much for me in the past two weeks and all I gave him was drama. I couldn't be here when he came back. If I looked into his eyes I knew I wouldn't be able to tear myself away from him. I had to go now while he was on stage. While he had joy from his fans. He might be sad for a little bit but he is Harry Styles. He could walk outside and find someone new and better within seconds.

     I pulled myself up off the floor, wiping the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. I grabbed my cardigan off the arm of the couch, remembering what started this fight in the first place. The memory of the way Harry looked at me when he saw the marks on my back. I never wanted to see him sad again. I never wanted to be the reason he was sad again. I threw the white fabric on and slowly pulled the door open.

     Luckily no one was in the hall so I was going to be able to make a clean break for it. It wasn't like I was some prisoner. I could go where I wanted, but after the other day I felt like they were all watching me. Waiting for me to disappear without a word. That was exactly what was going to happen but this time they didn't need to worry about me. I was nothing but drama for all of them. I gently closed the door and turned towards the back exit of the stadium. I would have to buy a plane ticket home once I got to the airport but I needed to figure out how to get there first. I had never used a shared riding app before but when I was trying to escape the pain, sounded like a good enough time to start. 

     "DJ?" It was George. I stopped in my tracks slowly turning in his direction. This was going to be as hard as if I was saying it to Harry if not worse. George was someone who had truly cared about me and not just because he was getting paid to do so.

     "George," I said my eyes on the ground.

     "What happened? Where are you going?" he asked, stepping closer to me.

     "George." I didn't know what to say. I could see his feet as he stepped right up to me. He wrapped his arms around me.

     "Let's go get your stuff. I will drive you." I didn't have to say anything. He already knew. Him and Emily were alike in that way. I wrapped my arms around him tucking my head and hiding my tears on his shoulder. "It will all be okay. Don't worry." I didn't want to let him go but I knew we needed to go so he could be back before Harry was done. I loosened my grip from around him.