The Fish Song

Flicker

Harry's POV

I couldn't stop think about DJ's back. The small but apparent marks stared back at me. I knew those weren't there a few days ago. I wasn't dumb but I needed her to tell me what they were and why. I wanted to be wrong.

"I think it will just be better if I'm not here when you get back," DJ said after refusing to tell me what was going on and my stomach dropped.

"What are you saying?"

"Harry you have to go. Now!" Sam, one of the crew, yelled to me above the screaming that was coming from the audience. I turned nodding at him but I couldn't focus on anything but what DJ just said. I turned back towards her knowing what I needed to say needed to be said now.

"Just wait here until I get back," I started heading out the door before turning back towards her "DJ, I love you." It wasn't how I wanted to tell her, I should have listened to Niall and told her before, but now in this moment, it seemed better than never telling her, or her leaving me without hearing it. I wasn't sure what was going on but the minute I seen her back I knew there was so much more than I realized, that she wasn't telling me. Something had been off the last few days. Sometimes when I tried to touch her she would cringe away. That was normal when I first met her but I thought we had worked past that. It was the only thing I could think of as I was pulled towards the stage where I heard my name being yelled. I quickly ran to the stage stopping before heading on. I took a deep breath knowing whatever was going on would be waiting for me when I got off but now was the time to do my best and put all focus on the audience.

***

I said my thank you's and ran off stage. I loved my fans but at that moment all that I could think of was DJ. I needed to know what was going on. I needed to know how to help. Something wasn't right and she was being naïve if she thought I couldn't see that or that I wouldn't ask about it.

"Harry," Jeff yelled with his hand up, as I ran by. Deep down I knew why he was trying to stop me and I didn't want to believe it. I made it to the green room door as I flung it open, knowing she wouldn't be there. I felt as Jeff came up behind me and placed his hand on my shoulder. My arm was rested on the frame of the door as I could feel all of the oxygen leave my body.

"Where is she?" I huffed out turning my head towards Jeff.

"I don't know," he said shaking his head.

"So she could just be in the bus?" I said as I turned pushing past Jeff and heading towards the exit.

"No, Harry," Jeff started stopping me in my tracks and making realize what I already knew, "She isn't on the bus. She's-"

"Don't say it," I said. I didn't want to hear him say it. I felt my stomach drop and my insides began to turn. My eyes fell to my feet. "I got to go," I said walking towards the exit again.

"Where are you going?" Jeff asked from where he still stood in the door way.

"I know sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but I'm an adult. My own person. So at this very moment, wherever I want," I said raising my voice at Jeff, before storming out of the venue. I made my way to the bus, holding back all of my feelings that I knew would soon coming crashing down all around me. I sat there, my hand on the handle, hoping that this was all a dream and when I opened the door, DJ would be sitting there with her beautiful smile. I took a deep breath, shoving everything further down, and pulled open the door. All of the lights were off and my handle trembled as I searched for the switch in the dark. It took everything in me not to yell her name. The lights came on and I stared at the quiet, empty bus.

I slowly moved through the living area and into the kitchen, noticing a note on the counter. All I could do was stand in front of it, staring. I knew what it was and I didn't want to look at it. I didn't want it to be real. It was like the minute DJ stepped into my life everything made sense. I knew why everything that happened before happened. It was all leading to that moment. It was all leading to DJ. I took what felt like the hundredth deep breath of the night and I picked the piece of paper up into my hands.

Dear H,

I am so sorry. There is so much more to say but all I can say is I am sorry and thank you. Thank you for helping me to see my potential and dragging me away from the bad and showing me how much good there is. You are so good. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wish I was better. Better for you. I wish that you could wake up with amnesia tomorrow and forget about me, but I know you can't and I totally get if you are upset. I wish I could tell you everything, but I'm not ready, and that is my fault. Please know how much I love you and I didn't mean to hurt you. You can do so much better than me and I know you will find that person. It is what you deserve. You deserve the sun, the moon, and the stars, and I wish it could have been me to give it to. You are were I want to be but I know now that that isn't possible for me. It never will be. No matter how bad I want it to be. But I will remember every time you looked at me and the whole world faded. I will remember us together and happy. This was the most amazing two weeks and I will never forget them. Please be happy.

x DJ

"BULLSHIT!" I yelled to the sky as if she could hear me. I couldn't help myself as I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and dialed her number. Who knows where she was but I knew she wouldn't answer and I was proven correct as her answering machine started up. "DJ this is bull and you know it. You can't tell me you love me and then kick me out of your life. Please, whatever is going on, we can work through it together. Please don't let your past ruin your future. When I told you I loved you, it wasn't lie. I am sorry, I should have told you sooner, but it is the truth. I love you DJ. I didn't think fate was real until I met you. Please just come back and we can talk about this." I hit end on my phone before tossing it across the room and onto the couch. I turned, the emotions finally hitting me all at once and I didn't think I could stand anymore.

I made my way, through blurry eyes, to the back room, not expecting to see what was waiting for me. DJ's sweatshirt I gave her sat at the foot of the bed. I picked it up bringing it to my nose. If it smelt like me before, it didn't anymore, the only scent that remand was DJ's. I threw it over my head, pulling it onto my body and breathing in the smell of the person who wore it last and wishing she was in my arms right now so I could kiss away whatever pain she was feeling.

***

I woke from a night of tossing and turning, not being able to sleep without her next to me, as I felt the bus begin to move. We were moving to Connecticut, as I had a show there the next day. As I remembered Connecticut I remembered how excited DJ was for me to show her the Yale campus. I remembered us talking about it a few days prior and how she got on a long rant about the campus's history. When I asked her why she cared so much all she got red.

"Its from one of my favorite books," she whispered, embarrassed.

"I'm sorry that was a little too quiet. Can you repeat that please?" I said teasing her.

"The characters from my favorite book live there and so I got interested in it's history and now I just really want to see it," she said louder, rolling her eyes at me.

Now all I wanted was to see the red cloaking her face again as I teased her. But I didn't know when I would see that again. Needing to talk to her I stood off of the bed and moved towards the living room, in search of my phone. I grabbed it from where it laid on the couch, quickly powering the screen on. I had missed calls and texts from Jeff, Mitch, Sara, George and even my mum but one notification caught my eye. It was a post notification from DJ. I pressed on it not sure what I was about to see. The post loaded and a video of DJ with a guitar sat on the screen. I took a deep breath once again as I hit play and listened as a slow guitar strum began to fill the room around me. July tenth. The day both of us lost a piece of ourselves.