The Fish Song

She's Not Afraid

     "You need to go," Cathy said to me as she packed her laptop into her bag, our school's mascot stitched across the front of it. It was nice to be back at work. I was missing the kids and I forgot how much I missed my co-worker Cathy. We didn't agree on very much but we still got along. Which was nice. It was nice to have someone in my life that I could agree to disagree with and not have an argument about it after words.

     "I know I need to. The problem is having the courage to do it. Besides Christian is taking my ticket and taking Gabby. No need for me to take her anymore."

      "Okay and? You don't need an excuse to just show up. He will want to see you," she continued as we walked towards the building's exit.

      "And you know this how?" I was only slightly skeptical that she was right. I thought back to what Nova told me about my week in Florida and how she went behind my back to talk to Harry. I was upset at first but then I was kind of glad she went. If her talking to him helped him to try and move on then that is all I could ask for.

      "Girl, just from everything you told me. I never really knew of him before and I don't pay attention to the media but honey, that man loves you. I think it's time to give up the goat."

     "Bleh," I said, putting my face into my hands. I knew she was right but I didn't want to say it. "We'll see," I said, pulling out my keys. I had until tomorrow to decide what I was going to do but deep down I knew I had to see him.

     "You better do it. I'm going to hound you on Monday until you tell me you went and saw him and you are leaving this job and running away with him."

     "Oh god Cathy," I said with a chuckle and a shake of my head.

     "Hey we got one more week until students come back. That's plenty of time to run away," Cathy said, the seriousness wafting out of her.

     "Yeah yeah," I said climbing into my car, "have a good weekend, Cathy, I'll see you on Monday." As I got in my car my phone dinged with my after work reminder. I needed to call Emily. I hadn't spoken to her since that night and as many times as I wanted to pick up the phone and call her I didn't want to burden her with my drama either. When George told me to call her I knew she would be the best first step in trying to be better. I quickly pulled up her contact and hit send. It rang only twice before she answered.

     "There's my sunshine. I have been missing that bright light," Emily's warm voice spoke through the speaker. She always seemed to be able to bring a smile to my face.

     "My light is pretty muted right now if I am being honest but I just first want to say I am so sorry. I should have called you back, that was unfair of me, I just didn't know what to say," I breathed out.

      "You have no reason to be sorry. I am just glad you are calling at all. Your brightness will come back I promise. You just have to see that you are special and you are worth it. Stop trying to hide yourself from the world and honey, please stop trying to hide yourself from Harry. He loves you."

     "I know Emily, I do. But I don't think he will after he knows about what happened and everything else about my past. He will know I am a mess and that I am not worth the annoyance."

     "NO! Now you stop that right now before I fly out to Colorado and beat you with my shoe," Emily said with all seriousness written in her voice.

     "Okay I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't say that and I'll work on that. But I wouldn't say no to you flying out to Colorado. I miss you," I told her truthfully.

     "And I might just have to take you up on that, but until then please continue to call me, and please call Harry."

     "You and George," I said with a laugh.

     "What?"

     "You both have told me to call him now."

    "This is because my husband and I are smart and you should listen to us. Quit listening to the doubts in your head and start listening to the two people who care for you as if you were their own." Her words reminded me of when I asked George if him and Emily had any children. He seemed, dare I say, sad?

     "Emily, can I ask you a question?" I wasn't sure why I had the urge to ask but they were always here for me, it was now time for me to be there for them in anyway I could.

     "Anything, even though I think I already know what you are going to ask about," she said. And I was sure she did. She always seemed to know what I was going to say before it left my mouth.

     "If you don't mind me asking, please don't answer it if you don't want to but, why don't you have any children? Don't you and George want kids?"

    "Believe me we do. It's just not possible for us, as much as we would like it to be. So we decided we would just continue to grow in each other's love and to love others just as much." I could feel the moisture that pricked the corners of my eyes.

     "I am so sorry Emily. Thank you for being my second mom and being someone who cares for me like a mother because I don't get a whole lot of that from my own blood." I had felt more parental love from George and Emily in the short time I've known them, than my whole life from my actual parents.

     "And thank you sunshine for being the stand in daughter we could have only ever dreamed of having. You know, we prayed almost every night for a child to be put into our lives. Sure we may have been thinking of an actual child but we were kind of given you and I know it isn't really the same but I am very grateful," Emily said and now my tears were freely falling and even though we were on the phone and I couldn't see her, I could hear her emotions through her voice.

     "And I for you," I said, continuing to shed my happy tears.

***

     "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Gabby. Happy birthday to you," I sang softly into Gabby's ear as she slowly began to wake up from her sleep. Today was her birthday and it was also the night of Harry's show. I hadn't told her yet that she was going to be finally seeing him in person but I knew she was about to freak. It had started to pain me less and less to think of Harry. Every morning I would get up and twirl his ring on my finger, forgetting it was there most of the time, but remembering it right when I needed to most.

     "Good morning Dee, It's my birthday," she said with the biggest smile and sleepy eyes.

     "It is. You are seven years old and you know what that means?" I asked her, putting as much excitement into it as I could.

     "What?" She asked practically jumping up from where she was laying in her bed.  

     "It means you finally get to see Harry tonight," I told her but as I said his name my stomach began to turn. I realized this was the first time I was actually saying his name out loud in a month.

     "Oh my god. Are you serious?" She screamed jumping out of her homemade Minecraft bunker bed, running down the stairs and out of her room screaming. "DADDDDDDDDD," she yelled. "HARRY STYLES!" It only took a few moments before she was back in her room, running back up her stairs, and jumping back on me. "We are going to see Uncle Harry, Dee?" I tried to get the air back into my body after she jumped on me but 'Uncle Harry' made the air disappear just as quickly.

     "Yes you are, love. You and your dad," I told her, my feet still being planted on not going.

     "You're not coming?" She asked, her lower lip falling out. I reached up poking her lip back in.

     "Put that back in before a bird poops on it."

     "We are inside," she said, laughing.

     "Okay, you're right but no need to pout," I said with a chuckle.

     "But you have to come see uncle Harry too," she said with a whine.

     "It's okay, babe. You get to enjoy your birthday with your dad and you will have the best time, just you and him, I promise," I told her, but all I wanted was to go with her. 

      I wanted to see his face again, in person. I wanted to be breathing the same air again. I wanted to feel the way he made me feel whenever I was with him.