Lost Minds

22

Don't look for us.

A spark of something goes through my chest.

Are they gone permanently? They're not coming back.

My heart beat quickens against my rib cage. I burst out laughing.

They ran away! From me, their 17 year old daughter.

My hand grabs the handle of the fridge for support.

This can't be serious. I mean, they've done some crazy shit but completely abandoning their child? This has to be at the top of the list.

Catching my breath, I try to calm down.

See you did it. You drove them away. You ruined half of their lives and they couldn't help but run from you. You're fucking hated by your own parents.

I didn't tell them to leave.

You know they left because of you. If you weren't such an annoyance to them, maybe they'd still be here.

Oh shut up.

"I'm right and you know I am."

My head snaps to behind me and a dark shadow stands.

I tilt my head at it and furrow my brows.

It's copying me.

I stare harder and gasp.

It is me.

My hands tremble as I turn away from it. I swallow and my chest rises and falls fast.

Screams echo off the walls as something cold in my hand, bite me with frost. My hand holds the Pepsi and it bites my palm again. I drop it, watching as it spills everywhere.

My breathing only gets faster as I put a hand on my chest, trying to listen for my heartbeat.

Remember what they taught you. Remember it's all in your head. This isn't real!

"This isn't real! This isn't real!" I shout out. My knees buckle below me, as they fall in the puddle. I can't breath.

My heart's pounding too fast. I can't think. I'm going to die.

It's finally come to kill me.

I scratch at my throat, trying to get the hands off of my neck.

I'm dying.

"You're the worst thing that ever happened to them. You deserve to die." The shadow captures the world around me as the evening light grows dimmer and dimmer.

I deserve this. They left me because they hate me.

I'm unwanted.

***

The white ceiling stares down at me and my eyes are glued to it.

Hours? Has it been hours?

My neck stings as I sit up. The cold sticky kitchen floor sends goosebumps up and down my body. The darkness of the night crowds the area and blinds me. I feel around, patting the space, and pulling myself up with the fridge handle. My clothes stick to my skin.

Why am I on the ground?

I flick on the light switch, on the wall beside the refrigerator. A note hangs from the front of it.

Oh yeah, Mom and Dad ran away from home and I passed out in some Pepsi.

I sigh, turning on my heel and heading upstairs to my room.

Fuck them. They're acting like I'm Satan when I haven't done anything to them in years. I hope CPS catches them and they rot in jail.

How am I going to pay the rent? Or buy food? I might end up back at the institution based on being homeless. They might put me up for adoption because I'm still a child. What the fuck do I do? All of that sounds horrible.

I slam my door behind me and pace slowly up and down the space in my room.

I can get a job, that could help or move into a smaller apartment.

Groaning, I sit on my bed.

They've been gone since yesterday night. Just up and poof, they've disappeared. They left me to die.

I can handle this though. I'm free to do whatever I want now. No one to report on me or try to shove pills down my throat. This isn't bad, no this is a beginning. They were eventually going to vanish out of my life, what's a few years earlier?

I nod to myself.

Yeah, I'm good. I'm ok. Everything is fine.

My hands tremble by my sides.

How could they do this to me? I know we didn't get along but shit, I can't survive on my own. They're the ones who decided to give birth to me.

It's not my fault.

I sigh.

Standing up from my bed, I throw off my Pepsi stained shirt and jeans, heading out my room naked.

It doesn't matter anyways.

The door to the bathroom creaks as I twist it's knob and enter the room. Wasting no time, I hop in the shower and turn on the water.

Keep your mind clear.

I bubble up my washcloth and scrub my body. The warm water running down my back and hair, dripping from my limps.

They left me because I deserve to be left. I did everything in my power to make them want to hate me, so why am I surprised? They should've left a month ago. They want me to feel like shit.

And I do.

I know myself enough to admit I care about them. Years of therapy say the same thing.

My scrubbing slows.

But what is that worth if it only gives you more pain?

If they left, anyone could leave. Everyone will leave me behind. I already knew that people were things to stay away from. They lie, put up a pretty front, and when you disappoint them, they cut you lose. It's human nature to be selfish so they don't have to care about your feelings.

I get that. All of that is ok. I already knew all of that.

I just have to stay away from them. My own bubble is the safest.

Things so absolute like death, are the only things I can trust. I'll keep Daxon around for that.

Everything else can go.

Everyone else.

***

The door bell rings, loud and annoying through the home. I groan.

If it's some salesman again, I'm firing a shot into the air.

I hop off my bed, pushing empty cups of noodles and subway wrappers. Kicking bottles out of my way as I walk, I head downstairs.

The door bell rings again and I roll my eyes. Who's in such a hurry, damn?

I brush some crumbs off of my shirt and sigh loudly, stopping at the end of the stairs, in front of the entrance.

"If your here to sell me something, I don't want it." I yell, crossing my arms.

Why the fuck didn't my good for nothing parents get a door with those small window things to see who the fuck is at our house? It would've been convenient these days.

I flinch back as the door shakes, as loud knocking comes from behind it.

Is it the police?

"Fuck off, ok?" I turn on my heel to head back to the comfort of my room.

"Naomi, open the door!" A familiar voice shouts. My heart drops.

I knew someone was going to come for me soon enough. I take small steps towards the door, grabbing the knob and sighing as I unlock it.

This should be good.

It swings open and an angry Daxon stands, glaring down at me. I meet his gaze.

"Where the fuck have you been for 4 days?"