When Sanity is Lost

216

Spend my nights smoking in the bathroom,
Even in the middle of October,
Cant stop the thoughts in my head,
I make monsters out of decisions,
And the only ones I make are made,
Last moment,
Wondering if I made the wrong decision,
My heart skips,
And the glass house it shatters,
For just a moment,
As I'm silent as could be,
Wondering if you're really inside,
I'm not sure I even opened the door?
And I wonder why you ever thought of getting in,
No one else ever did.

The night dwindles on,
As I'm standing back in the bathroom alone again,
Should have built one room that wasn't made out of glass,
And if I ever get back to building I'll remember that I need something one can not disturb,
Something solid just like the foundation,
Thanks for raising it up,
And realize at that time I was young,
And now I'm airheaded enough to say,
That I don't need your help,
When all I need to do is take care of my promises,
And wonder ever if I'll take the time to stop hiding,
You should know I would never hide,
And now I'm hiding from you.

I never could open my mouth around you,
And I find it funny,
Out in the world,
I don't even think to open my mouth, they just seem to know,
Keep on wondering why you put me through this pain,
Can't even tell if it's my thoughts or your words,
That kills me,
And the only one I seem to blame is me,
Can't you see I'm the one making the decisions,
That you can't ever seem to support me for,
And I wonder if you see how much it makes me crumble,
Don't you know I'm only crawling,
And I'm still growing,
Oughta go tell everyone who's actually strong tall and Christian,
Someone you should be looking up to,
Go find yourself a man they actually approve off,
Because no matter what I do I will never be his son,
And my next year's,
Just might be full of tears,
And I'm wondering how far I gotta get,
Just to forget it,
Don't you know I keep running low,
On everything thing from energy to money,
I keep on wondering if I'm eating enough,
Ripping out my hair,
Watching the shelves get low,
Tell myself it can wait until tomorrow,
I'll wait until tomorrow,
To come home and tell you all of the things I wish I could say to you,
The things I can't seem to stand,
And I know where it might leave me,
I'll wait until tomorrow,
To come out of the door,
And tell you that I'm not what I seem to be,
And there are nights I cry myself to sleep,
All because of what hiding to try and staying safe does to me.
-Joshua Banks JJAJ