When Sanity is Lost

225

Here I am,
Walking down the street,
Knowing I walk in holy sunlight,
But I know every night I go to bed a sin,
And it's really dumb,
Because I keep telling myself I'll be okay,
When the night drops in,
And my feet are taken out from underneath me again,
To get up in the morning,
Giving up to the fashion of the culture,
And I feel like screaming it out loud,
That I get up and stand up straight,
They tell me that I'll never seem to be,
Even the mirror lies to me,
As my heart pounds,
And screams out what is me,
I know I don't fit in anywhere much,
And I've been paying for it,
At night in my bed,
Deep inside my head,
And my heart weighed down with lead,
It screams to be free,
And I wonder what exactly that means,
Keep thinking I'll leave myself alone,
Caught up in the lights of the city,
And tell myself,
That I'm not proud of how I grew up,
To this point,
Because of all the plans I make,
Never seem to go away,
Beating my heart out loud,
And I keep asking my mouth to do the same,
But very little it does of speaking,
And through it all,
I carry it with me,
Hoping one day,
My mouth will be as loud as my heart,
Because the misery must be better,
If I announce it out loud,
Leave it all out for the world to see,
And not care what you see,
Because I know what I see,
And your voice,
Your opinion,
I was always told not to let it affect me,
So I keep praying for my mouth,
To scream just as loud as my heart does,
But all it ever does is hide,
Right there behind my heart,
Down at the bottom,
And hope to be free,
When I keep telling it that,
It's perfectly free,
And I've noticed it slowing getting louder,
Let it jump and scream,
And tell the world just exactly who God tells me I should be,
A powerful understatement,
But don't you understand,
I keep on praying,
And He keeps telling me,
Just to let your heart be free,
Tell him I don't know how with it down at the bottom,
He says remember everyone's heart should feel open to you enough to do the same,
Don't you agree with me?
The Bible says so much,
And I cannot seem to believe,
That he lets me be,
This kind of sin,
The one that everyone else doesn't see,
Doesn't want it to be,
I'll burn in hell,
But he still says he loves me,
And it's really odd,
How history has always been a favorite,
And so far I've gone,
And I never believe quite what any record tells me,
Not even the Bible,
Don't you understand it's just a translation,
One hundred years after that man walked on Earth,
Imagine all the room,
For human inversion,
So I don't do a thing besides let him be,
Where ever He wants to be,
Even if it's next to me,
Because He's one of the only ones that's been consistent about always loving me,
Knowing exactly what I am,
Don't you see I'm just exactly how God meant me to be,
Even though everything I know,
Is exactly what everyone else says not to be,
One page of the Bible says not to be gay,
But I can't remember one about not being like this,
It's the only way I smile,
And find any joy,
Don't you understand,
That I'm now not too sure this is sin,
When all I do is let my heart scream,
And let myself and everyone else be free.
-Joshua Banks JJAJ