I'm so hungry for what I can not yet have, and I think it's crazy that I've let myself slip over 24 hours. Isn't it odd how the question silenced me. "You generally get lunch before you come see me are you eating" And I kept quiet because I didn't,I didn't wanna answer the question and let him down.Like I had done so many times previously,But this is a new kind of hell,Look at myself and wonder what it is,Knowing I still hate the person in the mirror,I've hated my family thinking I'm a stick,Look down and wonder what it is you see in me,Can't you see even I haven't quite met me,And I wonder what it is Joshua has done to me this time.Craving all that I can get, but what I'm hungry for is my hunger.Just hoping that somehow,Just somehow it would fix it.I wanna tell him but I'm not quite sure,If I'm willing to give the hunger up,To watch myself shrivel up,And I can't dare say it,Because I admit it's ugly.
It is not at all like the disappointment I placed myself previously.Those scars still show, and the broken wine glass was so tempting,Find myself shuddering,Just trying to shake it all off,Just trying to tell myself that red too is ugly.
Never would it be the fright,Of something so sudden,But I still feel like I need to go back,Knowing that this makes me just as sick,And I'm not sure,But I feel like taking it seriously.
Couldn't tell a soul,That I fast like so,But I would tell one,That it's because I still can't reconize me.And I do it because something about what currently makes me,Just hides the hunger in my stomach from my head. Telling myself just 12 more hours,And even then I just might have a few bites.Wonder what it is making me so prone,To such a temptation,Wonder if it's much better than the ocean rocking my ship,Or the red that used to come out of the walls as I drew on them.Funny how at time when it comes to eating I always lose track of time and forget that it even exists,Although my head encourages me,And my poor stomach it just aches and growls at me.Not sure I even quite reconnected this as the Josh that used to haunt my dreams because now,He doesn't wish to kill me,He doesn't beat me although he threatens,Points out ever flaw where I am wrong,And starves me.-Joshua BanksJJAJ
YOU ARE READING
When Sanity is Lost
PoetryAnd I just couldn't stop, before I knew it I was picking the pen up again. My second book in process this is soon to begin editing once my last one is done. As always hope you enjoy and find my insta @these.are.true.feelings
