When Sanity is Lost

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Sometimes I can't at all seem,
Not one bit of me,
Can stand up straight,
Not unless
I'm looking in the mirror,
Saying "Don't you hate me?",
And once I thought,
That I hated you,
And that pain in my throat boiled up into tears,
Knowing that it was not at all true,
Because out of all the hate in the world,
I choose to hate me,
And not you,
I hate my smile,
I hate my frown,
I hate my tears,
I hate my anger,
And I hate my fears.

A tear rolls down my cheek,
I tell myself just how much I hate me,
And I'm tempted to snap that rubber band on my wrist,
Or even worse,
Dig out the blade on the back of the shelf,
And destroy the fabric that is me,
Because this rubber band isn't enough,
At hurting me,
And yes I know,
The words I tell myself,
How much I hate myself,
Bust my head pounding it in,
My eyes red and the tears are like sprinklers,
I hate myself,
I hate my laugh,
I hate my body,
My shirt,
I hate my feet,
My scars,
And how much I blurt.

Can't you see no matter what I do I can not hide,
Tell myself if I do,
It can be just one scar,
One I can hide so easily,
And my hate I have for myself will go away,
Because I have always hated myself,
I hate my eyes,
I hate my wrist,
I hate my hips,
My ribs,
My growling stomach,
And how thin,
I force myself to be,
To fit in the box I want to,
So my legs don't curve,
And my chest doesn't show,
Worried that if I gain a pound,
This hate will surely grow.

I already hate myself,
And I can't do a thing about it because,
If I gain weight,
I hate me,
If I lose it,
I hate me,
If I don't cut,
I hate me,
And if I do,
I only hate myself worse after the pain of the initial cut has gone away.
Don't you see I hate myself and I cannot do anything because,
Surely if I do I'll only make it worse,
Asking myself if it really can be worse,
As the tears roll out of my eyes,
Just wishing for it to go away.
I always have hated me.-Joshua Banks JJAJ