How To NOT Be Straight✓

24: Wish They Knew

Sometimes at night, your own thoughts consume you. Your brain opens up a fresh new batch of shit to keep you up at night. It takes you into the world of the unknown, unlocks the memories that you buried forever, and forces them down your throat. It makes you relive everything in real time, makes you question your own sanity, and makes you wonder what it would've been if you made a different choice. It makes you wonder what life would be like if you never did that one stupid thing, and it makes you hate yourself for the choices you made. Sometimes I think our own minds are our worst enemies, because they dish out regret, resentment, and depression on a silver platter when all you wanted was hope.

But what do you need hope for, Cameron?

For the future. For my own friends and family. For my own life.

There are so many things that i hope for. I always hoped that my parents would one day understand that I'm just a human being, not a robot fitted with a battery and given the agenda of "Praising the Lord" 24/7. I always hoped for them to understand there are some things that I won't agree with, and that there are some things I won't do. And it's not because I hate them or anything, I love them to the core, I really do, but I need them to understand that I'm not what they want or wish for me to be, I'm just simple old me.

I always hoped for a time in life where I could express myself freely at school. And while coming out of the closet gave me that type of freedom in a weird way, I didn't want it to go down like that. I didn't think I'd lose those close to me, be made fun of every single day for not being 'normal', and be ridiculed for trying to speak up. I always hoped for that.

But maybe that's not what I need in my life.

I don't know what I'm lacking in my own life, and it bothers me to the core. It's like the answer is right in front of me, but I can't seem to put my foot down on it. I hate thinking this way, feeling this way, and stressing my mind like this.

As this cold October night makes me tremble under my bedsheets, I can't tell if I'm shaking because of the cold or because of the emotional detachment I feel in my own body. I hate this feeling, I fucking hate it.

"What the fuck am I doing with my life?" I mutter to myself, sitting up and staring at the darkness in front of me. "Why am I thinking like this?"

Times like these bother me because my thoughts get too loud for me. When the daytime Cameron is replaced by the nighttime one, things get intense. I get devoured by my own mind and I get plunged into the dark abyss that I had locked up during the day. Sometimes, it gets so hard that I unconsciously shed a tear or two, and then a thousand. It's the side of me I wish people could see more often. A side that I wish my parents knew about.

But wishes are just wishes, aren't they?

I wipe the tears that keep rolling down my cheeks, and struggle not to make too much noise. I had developed the art of crying silently when I was a kid, but when I am overcome with emotion, sometimes it doesn't work. Note that I said sometimes.

Hesitantly, I close my eyes, trying to fathom my thoughts a bit. I sniffle a bit, and then I clear my throat, and begin.

"Hey God, I know I don't talk to you much," I said, sniffing a bit more. "And I know you and I haven't been on the best terms lately, but I just need to know something; why me?"

I wait a bit, and realize I won't get an answer immediately, so I continue, "What did I ever do to you? Why do I get punished? Why did you give me my parents? They don't even know who I fucking am!" I coughed. "Sorry for cussing, I am just so frustrated."

"I'm frustrated with the life I live, with what's happening to me, with all the hardship. When will it ever stop, God? When will it ever-" My voice cracks before I finish my sentence, and I began bawling my eyes out.

I brought a pillow up to my face and covered it as a preventative measure to not make that much noise. When I'm done crying, I lay back down on the drenched pillow, and stare at the blackness once again.

"If only they knew." I sigh, turning on my side. "If only they fucking knew."