How To NOT Be Straight✓

31: Rule 9- Then take time to process your feelings

"I wish things were simpler." I sighed, throwing up a flower as Alexis smiled at me. "Like, I don't know what to think anymore."

"About what? Blake? Or...is it something else?"

Alexis and I went to the park the following weekend for a day off to relax and step away from our families. We went to grab some food, and we then decided to chill together. I needed someone to talk to, and with my mind being a whirlwind of thoughts, I decided to talk to Alexis about it. Terry wasn't available, he did tell me he was going on a date, but he just didn't tell me with who.

"There's so much I need to think about." I sighed. "Like, my feelings for Blake, or what I thought were feelings. My love life, the whole situation at school, and my life in general."

"Well, you want to talk about it? I'm here to listen, CJ." Alexis put her hand on my thigh and gave it a squeeze. "Come on."

I looked at her hand, and decided to place mine on top of hers. She put her other hand on top, and removed mine, before holding it as I spoke.

"I don't know, Alexis. It's like, I'm running away from the truth, and everyone can see it while I decide not to." I muttered, "I'm scared to face the truth."

"Which truth?" She said as she played with my fingers, and I put my head on her shoulder, staring at the grass.

"That...that Blake might not be the person I thought she was. And that maybe my feelings weren't for her..." I muttered.

It was true. I didn't know anymore. My feelings were all over the place, and with everyone telling me that Blake is a snake just doesn't make it any better.

"Well, you want some advice, Cam?" She muttered, placing her arm around me and giving me a squeeze. "Think about it. All of it. And when you're ready, I'll be here to hear you out. I promise."

"Thank you, Alexis. You're..." I trailed off, another thought entering my mind.

The answer to the question I've been asking myself was right in front of me. Did I really like Blake as a girlfriend, or was I just avoiding my true feelings for someone else?

The latter is correct.

I have been trying my hardest not to fall for Alexis, but now that she's with me here, I see it. It's been her, it's always been her but I was afraid to say it. Because of how new she was to me, and because of everything holding me back.

I don't think I really did like Blake. Because compared to that infatuation, Alexis is the one I feel like I want. And I don't know if she wants me either.

"You ready to talk?" She whispered in my ear, and a shiver ran down my spine.

It's the type of feeling you get when you're with someone you like. The type where you get butterflies in your stomach, and the type where you'd dive into a river just to save them from drowning. And it's the type of feeling I've been having since day 1; our first meeting, the dinner, me opening up to her like she was the one I needed, me defending her at school.

It's the type of feeling you only get when you're with someone you might love.

"Um, yeah." I muttered, taking my hand in hers. "Listen, Alexis, I-"

Her phone beeped, and I sat up straight, watching her take her phone out. She read the message and frowned.

"Cameron, I'm sorry." She apologized. "My dad just sent me a message. One of my brothers broke my speaker." She sighed. "I loved that speaker so much."

"I'm sorry, I really am." I muttered. "Let me take you home."

"You'll do that?"

"I brought you here in the first place, I might as well." I smiled. "Come on, let's go."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stared at the list of rules, looking at the 8 ones already there. I tried to think of another one, but my mind went back to Alexis.

"I should've just told her." I murmured. "Fuck."

I wrote the 9th rule, and then stood up, going to the window. I threw my eraser at Alexis's window, and within a few minutes, she opened it. She waved, and took her phone while I did the same. I stood by the window, and texted her.

Cameron: Alexis, do you think rule 9 should be taking time to process your feelings?

She looked up at me, and grinned, nodding.

Alexis: I love that.

She then mouthed something out, and I squinted my eyes to really find out what she was saying. I scratched my head and instead motioned for her to type it out, and she did.

Alexis: I was wondering if you'd like to chill with me next week and go hunting for prom dresses? Of course, that's if you're going to prom?

Fuck. We only had one full term as seniors until school was out and prom is up. I hadn't really thought about going for prom, but now with Alexis going, I might just show up.

Unattended, of course.

I gave her a nod, and she nodded back, waving goodbye before closing the window. I closed mine, sighing, and plopping onto my bed.

I'm a fucking mess, fuck.